Maternity Leave (9781466871533) by Julie Halpern Read Free Book Online

Canasties.”
    â€œCanasties?”
    â€œThe friends she plays canasta with. I always wonder, if a group of people go in together on a gift, can I write them the exact same thank-you note? Or are they going to think that’s tacky and lazy?”
    â€œNo one’s sitting around, comparing your thank-you notes, Annie. I don’t even think anyone expects thank-you notes after a baby’s born. I mean, you’re all crazy and forgetful with your baby brain, right? It’s an accepted excuse.”
    â€œNo way. My mom told me that the other night at mah-jongg several people asked if we received their gifts. They weren’t sure since they hadn’t gotten a thank-you note yet. We’re talking a week after the baby was born.”
    â€œYour people are weird.”
    â€œSee. I have my people, and you have yours.”
    â€œI’ll get on those notes as soon as I take out the garbage,” Zach promises.
    Mom’s Friend Thank-You Note Template
    Dear [Insert mah-jongg, canasta, knitter, beader friend’s name here],
    Thank you so much for the _________ . Sam loves it and [circle one]
    Wears it
    Plays with it
    Sucks on it
    Reads it
    whenever I put it near him. It was so thoughtful of you. My mom is lucky to have a friend like you.
    Sincerely,
    Annie, Zach, and Sam
    Half Hour Later
    Zach has been outside with the garbage for a year. What the fuck? If he really doesn’t want to write thank-you notes, then he doesn’t have to. In the meantime, I’ve changed a poopy diaper, watched Sam pee in his own face (and laughed just a bit), changed Sam’s clothes, changed my clothes due to residual pee trickle, unsuccessfully fed Sam, cried, successfully fed Sam, burped Sam, wiped two tons of spit-up off the carpet, changed Sam again because I hate the sour smell of spit-up, and put him back down to sleep.
    Finally, Zach saunters in.
    â€œWhere the hell were you?” I blast him.
    â€œWhoa!” He holds his hands up in surrender. “I was just talking to Gary next door. He was mowing the lawn.”
    â€œHow nice for you. If you didn’t want to write thank-you notes, you should have just told me.”
    â€œThank-you notes? I was talking to our neighbor.” Zach points toward the door, confused.
    â€œAnd I was up to my eyeballs in bodily fluids.”
    â€œUm, gross?”
    â€œJust write the frakkin’ thank-you notes!” I scream.
    â€œOkay. Okay. If it’s that big a deal to you, I’ll do it. Do we have any cards?”
    â€œUgh!” I scream.
    â€œWhatever. I’ll write them on toilet paper. Sheesh.” Zach slinks away.
    I poise myself at the kitchen table with a stack of thank-you notes and a pen.
    And then I fall asleep and wake up an hour later to the baby screaming over the monitor and the word dear printed backward on my forehead.
    Dear [six different knitting friends—do not forget to duplicate],
    Thank you very much for the Chicago Bears, Cubs, White Sox, Bulls, and Blackhawks mobile. We thought perhaps you would have made us a beautiful blanket with your combined powers of knitting, but a mobile about sports is very nice.
    Yours truly, Annie, Zach, and Sam
    13 Days Old
    My brain goes to crazy places in the middle of the night.
    Why does Chicago radio play so much Billy Joel?
    Why does it feel like I’m on vacation every time I visit a new Walgreens?
    Would Sam be better off with a saner mother?
    To quell the voices, I’ve started turning on QVC while I’m nursing (and in between, and while I catch a few winks and continue to dream about television shopping). I realize in this day and age there is an infinite number of choices for TV in the middle of the night, but there’s something so warm and calming about QVC. Everyone is so damn nice. They want to better my life. Take, for instance, the name of the program I’m watching: Everyday Solutions . Every item in this show can help make my life easier.