Meltdown by Ben Elton Read Free Book Online

Dave’s wife is trying to get Lizzie to lend us money so we can pay Dave? That is fucked !’
    ‘Why is it fucked? We’re all mates, aren’t we? Lizzie and Laura were just chatting, that’s all, and now Lizzie knows all about it she really wants to help. She says we can put up one of the houses in Webb Street as collateral and pay her back when the recession is over.’
    Jimmy looked at Monica. For a moment he wondered if he was hearing right. Whether the tiredness had finally made him unable to understand English.
    ‘You mean she’s offering to lend us the money? I mean, a hell of a lot of money?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Unsecured?’
    ‘I suppose so. Whatever that means. Like I say, she says we can put up one of the houses.’
    ‘The houses are all negative equity. That’s not a security. They’re not properties, just a row of semi-detached debts.’
    Monica shrugged. ‘She says she’ll wait. Till they go back up in value.’
    ‘ Until the recession is over? ’
    ‘That’s what she said.’
    Jimmy’s initial anger at his old friends discussing his pathetic situation had lasted seconds. Not even that. One second. False pride had never been one of Jimmy’s faults.
    Now he was elated. Not just elated, ecstatic. He punched the air.
    ‘Yee-ha!’ he cried. ‘Now that is Rock ’n’ Roll!’
    One of the symptoms of the extreme exhaustion and stress under which he now lived was that Jimmy found his emotions yo-yoing far more ferociously than they had ever done in his old life. And never so much as at this moment when suddenly he perceived a lifeline to drag him from his troubles. A wave of exhilaration coursed through his body.
    ‘My God, Mon, that would be absolutely brilliant!’
    Monica’s smile was suddenly as broad as his. She was actually shaking. ‘Wouldn’t it?’
    Jimmy scarcely dared to hope that the situation could be resolved so simply, but of course he knew that it could. Lizzie and her charming but basically useless husband Robson were still rich, very rich. Perhaps she really could help them out, just for a little while. A year.
    And it wasn’t like he’d be abusing a friendship. And in fact the loan would not be unsecured. He had the security. Of course he had the security. Fuck yes , he had the security. He owned a street. Him and the bank. The fact that the street was currently in negative equity was just a blip. That was all. A blip.
    ‘I’m so glad you’re going to let Lizzie and Robson help us, Jim. I’m so sick of this worry.’
    ‘Of course we’ll let them help,’ Jimmy replied, emptying the rest of the bottle into their glasses before grabbing the phone. ‘What’s more, in the end we’ll make a profit for them on it.’
    ‘Oh Jim. You know Liz and Robbo don’t care about money.’
    ‘Yeah,’ said Jimmy, ‘they can afford not to.’
    Lizzie was still rich. Her money was real . Concrete. It was secured by actual concrete stuff . She wasn’t like Jimmy. She hadn’t built her fortune on the shifting sands of the futures market but on foundations hewn from the solid, timeless rock of people’s love of posh things, fabulous design and exquisite nibbles.
    Lizzie had parlayed her charm, her good looks, her genuine love of food and her commitment to what she called the ‘art of living’ into a very substantial lifestyle business. A business that included cookery books, occasional TV appearances, three restaurants and an endless range of beautifully presented Lizzie Food treats. Fortunately for Lizzie and Robbo, despite the deepening financial crisis, there were still enough people left in the world prepared to pay three pounds for a single chilli-soaked olive presented in its own exquisite little box to keep the wolf from the door.

Useless old bugger
    Lizzie answered the phone herself, of course. In the day she had a full-time PA as well as home helps and a staff of four in the office next door, but her rule was that after six was strictly private time. The staff went home