going for a headmaster position and run your own private school? You could affect the lives of so many more students and families. You’d be able to foster a culture where all of the teachers can be as free to be creative as you’ve been.”
Jeremy had considered applying for headmaster positions a few years back, but as he got called on interviews and received a few offers, the reality of leaving the classroom hit him. He would miss the day-to-day practice of designing learning experiences for children and watching them grow and learn as a result of his teaching.
“I already explored that option and maybe I will again in the future, but for now, I’m happy where I am. I don’t see what the problem is remaining here in the East Village where we’ve been happy for the past eight years…unless you haven’t been happy.”
Andrew threw his hands up. “Jeremy. Why are you picking a fight with me over this? Of course I’ve been happy and still am happy. I love you. Let’s enjoy our dinner and forget I said anything about moving?”
Jeremy stared at his plate, guilt flooding through him.. “I’m sorry. You’re right. This should be an evening for us to celebrate.” He raised his eyes and gazed into loving eyes which only compounded his guilt. “I’ll tell you what. How about I agree to check some places out with you and see if something jumps out at us.”
Andrew’s eyes lit up. “Thank you. I appreciate you’re willing to be open minded.”
He returned to eating and Jeremy watched his lover enjoy his meal.
Andrew was a good man, he meant well, but he consistently disappointed Jeremy.
Their needs had changed ever since Andrew started making more money. But rather than working through the changes, growing together, it seemed as if they were growing apart. What made matters worse, was Andrew didn’t seem to recognize that encouraging Jeremy to leave his job was insulting. It cemented Jeremy’s suspicion that Andrew didn’t approve of the work he did. That he thought Jeremy could make more 21
D.H. Starr
Meant For Each Other
of himself, which translated into Andrew thought Jeremy wasn’t living up to his expectations.
What bothered him more than Andrew’s lack of understanding, was his own passivity. He had always fought for what he wanted, believing that voicing his views was part of what kept his relationship with Andrew strong. In recent years, he had lost the energy to argue. There was no satisfaction in it since the same problems cropped up over and over.
A picture of his life growing up flashed in his mind. On the rare occasions when he had argued with Craig, their fights had been fierce, bitter. Part of it had been that they were teenagers, but Jeremy knew there was much more to it than simple teenage irrationality. He and Craig loved each other and cared; cared enough to make sure that their feelings weren’t just heard, but accounted for. The fact he had given that part of himself up just to avoid conflict and disappointment weighed on him. It was a trait he had valued in himself and caving in felt like chipping away at a defining aspect of who he was as a person.
There was nothing wrong with wanting to live in a better part of Manhattan or having more to show for his increased earnings. The problem was Jeremy’s needs hadn’t changed. He loved where they lived and didn’t want to move. Add to that the fact he could barely afford their place now, even under rent stabilization, and Jeremy’s discomfort was multiplied. He didn’t want to be taken care of. Even though Andrew had said over and over that he didn’t mind spending the money on the two of them, that he didn’t view the money as just his, Jeremy didn’t share his views.
One thing was becoming increasingly clear. Andrew was itching to move. This issue was going to come to a head sooner than he had thought. He was going to have to make some big decisions, and deep down, neither option he made would make him happier. How
Learning to Kill: Stories