Misdirected by Ali Berman Read Free Book Online

she does is take out a Bible. Fan-fricking-tastic.
    I sit down a few inches away from her. She sighs and inches closer to me so that her knee is touching my leg. My heart is racing a bit and I’m not sure if she knows it. She doesn’t look nervous at all. I’m so nervous that I’m starting to sweat.
    â€œSo, what do you know about the Bible?” she asks.
    â€œUm, just what I learned in Catholic school. How Jesus was born and how he died, and then came back to life like some do-gooder zombie and then died again.”
    â€œZombie?” she asks, shaking her head at me.
    â€œA nice zombie.”
    She laughs. “That is so incredibly disrespectful. And anyway, he can’t be a zombie because zombies stay dead. Jesus actually comes back to life. And he eats food. Not brains.”
    â€œI like that you’re making an actual argument against Jesus being a zombie.”
    â€œIt’s kind of funny even if it’s totally offensive. Just please please please don’t say anything like that at dinner!”
    â€œOkay. Well, what else? I know about Noah and how god killed people with a flood and with disease when he got kind of pissed off at humans.”
    â€œWow. You really latched on to the important stuff, huh?”
    â€œSome of those stories would make for a good horror movie. I mean, they talk about the people on the ark who were saved. Everyone else drowned and died a horrible gasping death. That’s genocide. Shouldn’t he have sent himself to hell for a move like that?”
    â€œWell, that’s the Old Testament. God was a little judgier in that one. What do you know about the New Testament? Do you know any of the Apostles? Or any of the Gospels?”
    â€œWell, I only liked the bad-ass stories. The other stuff was kind of boring. I might have zoned out during those parts, if they taught them at all. It wasn’t a super- religious school, not compared to here.”
    â€œWell, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of the highlights.”
    For the next thirty minutes, Tess starts talking about the New Testament like a teacher would. Totally full of facts and thoughts of her own mixed with stuff her parents and the church taught her. I feel like I’m cramming for a final exam. I even jot down a few notes.
    After a while I get kind of bored, but Tess is so into it, so I decide that right now I’ve got a great excuse just to look at her. I don’t think I was fair to her that first day we met. I mean, her hot sister was there so Tess probably doesn’t get noticed as much around her. She’s really pretty. She doesn’t wear makeup or tight clothes like other girls so it’s just not as obvious. She has hazel eyes, dark brown hair, and light freckled skin. And even though she wears baggy shirts, she still has boobs.
    â€œBen?”
    â€œHuh?”
    â€œI said, you’re going to need a favorite Apostle. I was thinking you could like Peter since he’s my dad’s favorite. That okay for you?”
    â€œIs it like baseball? You need a favorite team?”
    â€œIt will give you stuff to talk about, if he grills you on the Bible. And he might.”
    â€œIt will be easy to remember anyway. That’s my brother’s name.”
    â€œWhere does your brother live?”
    â€œHe’s stationed in Iraq right now but he’ll be coming here in December.”
    â€œThat has to be hard for you.”
    â€œI’m here. It’s easy for me. It’s hard on him. I don’t think his idea of being in the army turned out to be what he expected. He says there are two emotions in the desert. Bored and scared.”
    â€œI think I’d rather be bored,” says Tess.
    â€œEven when you’re bored, you’re still kind of scared, right? I mean, war is about waiting for bad stuff to happen, or knowing that it might happen.”
    â€œYour brother must be really brave.”
    â€œI don’t