1
The Boringest Store in the World
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
Do you know which months are the best months of the year? July and August, of course! Because thereâs no school over the summer.
YAY!
The only problem is that now itâs September.
BOO!
Bummer after the summer!
School starts tomorrow. So my mom said we had to go to this store called Staples to buy back-to-school supplies. Ugh! Staples is the boringest store in the history of the world. They donât sell video games or toys or any cool stuff. They just sell pens and pencils and ultraboring junk like that.
My mom had a list of things I had to get for third grade. After we found the boring book covers, boring binders, boring colored pencils, and boring glue sticks, I wanted to get a pen with a laser beam in it. Laser beams are cool. I saw this movie where they used a laser beam to kill aliensfrom outer space. But they donât sell pens like that at Staples.
They do have one cool thingâa copy machine. Copy machines are cool because you can put your head on the glass and make a funny picture of your face. It only costs eight cents! But you have to be sure to close your eyes or youâll go blind.
I stuck my head in the copy machine and closed my eyes. I was reaching for the START button when I heard the most horrible sound in the history of the worldâ¦.
âHi, Arlo!â
Ugh! It was Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. I hate her. Andrea calls me by my realname because she knows I donât like it.
I took my head off of the copy machine. Andrea was with her mom, who looks just like Andrea but with wrinkles.
âAre you buying back-to-school supplies too , Arlo?â Andrea asked.
âNo,â I told her. âIâm skydiving.â
When somebody asks you a dumb question, you should always give them a dumb answer. Thatâs the first rule of being a kid.
âI would never put my face in a copy machine,â said Andrea.
âWhy not?â
âBecause Iâm one of a kind!â Andrea said.
âYou should put your face in a paper shredder instead,â I suggested.
Andrea rolled her eyes. Why canât a copy machine fall on her head?
My mom and Andreaâs mom were talking about the weather. Grown-ups are really interested in weather. Nobody knows why.So I was forced to talk to Andrea.
âWhich do you like better, Arlo,â Andrea asked, âthis notebook with a picture of kittens on it or this one with elephants on it?â
âDo they have a notebook with a picture of elephants stomping on kittens?â I asked.
Andrea rolled her eyes again. Our moms said we could play around on the office chairs for a few minutes while they talked about the weather.
âLetâs pretend weâre grown-ups working in a real office!â Andrea said.
I sat at one of the desks and picked up a fake telephone.
âSend over a million dollars!â I barked into the phone. âNOW!â
âWhereâs my coffee?â Andrea shouted. âIâll die if I donât have coffee!â
âYouâre fired!â I barked again. âGet out!â
Pretending to be a grown-up is fun.
âI need to file some reports,â Andrea said, and she rolled her chair over to a big filing cabinet. When she pulled it open, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
A head popped out!
âGâday, mates!â the head said.
âAHHHHHHHHHHHH!â we screamed.
It was Mr. Granite, our new, third-grade teacher!
2
We Want Chocolate Cake
The first day of school is the worst day of the year. But the nice thing is that third graders are allowed to ride their bikes to school. I rode with my friends Ryan and Michael.
After we locked our bikes to the bike rack, we were told to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly. The teachers were sitting on the stage, and they were all wearing green T-shirts that said
Learning to Kill: Stories