Mrs. Jafee Is Daffy! by Dan Gutman Read Free Book Online Page A

But you’ll never believe who walked into the door way .
    It was Mrs. Jafee, the vice principal!
    “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mrs. Jafee?” asked Mr. Granite.
    (That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”)
    “Howdy, guys and gals!” said Mrs. Jafee. “I’m still new at Ella Mentry School, so I wanted to introduce myself to each class personally. With Mr. Klutz away for fourdays, I say it’s a good chance for us to get to know each other better, by golly.”
    “Does anybody know what the word ‘vice’ means in ‘vice principal’?” asked Mr. Granite.

    A bunch of hands shot in the air. Mr. Granite called on Michael.
    “Vice means ‘not good enough,’” Michael said. “Like, the vice president isn’t good enough to be president.”
    “Uh, not exactly,” said Mrs. Jafee.
    I got called on next.
    “My dad uses a vice in his workshop to hold stuff,” I said. “I took one of my sister’s dolls and crushed it in the vice. That was cool.”
    “Uh, not that kind of vice, A.J.,” said Mr. Granite.
    Andrea was waving her hands around like somebody who was stranded on a desert island trying to signal a plane. She is so annoying. Andrea keeps a dictionaryon her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.
    “A vice is a bad habit, like smoking, drinking, or gambling,” she said.
    “Yes, but that’s not it either,” said Mr. Granite.
    Ha! For the first time in her life, Andrea got something wrong! It should be a national holiday. They could call it Dumbhead Andrea Day. We should get that day off from school every year. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! In her face!
    “Vice means ‘instead of’ or ‘in the place of,’” Mrs. Jafee told us. “I’m going to be responsible while Mr. Klutz is away. Do you know what it means to be responsible?”
    “That means you mess up a lot,” I said.“Any time something goes wrong at my house, my mom says I’m responsible.”
    Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
    “You haven’t been vice principal for very long, Mrs. Jafee,” said Mr. Granite. “Are you sure you have enough experience to be principal?”
    “You betcha!” Mrs. Jafee said. “When I sit at my desk, I can see Mr. Klutz’s office.”
    I didn’t see what that had to do with anything.
    “Where did Mr. Klutz go?” asked Emily.
    “He is on his way to Principal Camp,” Mrs. Jafee told us. “He’s going to learn how to be a better principal.”
    “But Mr. Klutz is already a greatprincipal,” said Neil the nude kid.
    “He’ll be even better when he gets back,” Mrs. Jafee said.
    “Principal Camp sounds like fun,” said Emily.
    “What if something terrible happens to Mr. Klutz at Principal Camp?” I asked.
    “Like what, A.J.?” said Mr. Granite.
    “Well, what if his canoe tips over and he drowns in the lake?” I asked.
    “They don’t have canoes and lakes at Principal Camp, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
    “They do too.”
    “Do not.”

    We went on like that for a while. Andrea said that Principal Camp was probably just a bunch of grown-ups sitting around eating cheese and crackers. That’s what all grown-ups do.
    “I like cheese and crackers,” said Ryan.
    “What kind of cheese will they have?” asked Michael. “I like monster cheese.”
    “It’s not monster cheese, dumbhead,” said Andrea. “It’s Muenster cheese.”
    “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
    “My mom told me there used to be a TV show called The Munsters ,” said Neil.
    Mr. Granite made the shut-up peace sign with his fingers.
    “Okeydokey, can we get back on topic, please?” asked Mrs. Jafee. “Everything is going to be fine while Mr. Klutz is away. What could possibly go wrong?”
    I remember the last time somebody asked what could possibly go wrong. It was our graduation from second grade. I threw my cap in the air and it knocked over the eternal flame