Mrs. Jafee Is Daffy! by Dan Gutman Read Free Book Online

1
The End of Mr. Klutz?
    My name is A.J. and I hate school. *
    I would rather go shopping for clothes with my mom than go to school. I would rather watch a ballet than go to school. I would rather eat a squirrel that got hit bya car and was lying in the middle of the road for a week than go to school.
    Well, maybe not that last one.
    It was Monday, the worst day of the week. Everybody had to go to the all-purpose room, which is a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name.
    The whole school was gabbing when our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He was holding a suitcase. Mr. Klutz has no hair at all. I mean none . Not even a little on the sides, like my grandpa.
    “I have an important announcement to make,” said Mr. Klutz.
    “Quiet!” said Michael, who never ties his shoes. “Mr. Klutz is gonna make an important announcement!”
    “Shhhhh!” said Ryan, who will eat anything. “Mr. Klutz is gonna make an important announcement!”
    “Stop talking!” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. “Mr. Klutz is gonna make an important announcement!”
    We were all buzzing so much about Mr. Klutz’s announcement that he couldn’t make the announcement that he was trying to announce.
    The teachers held up peace signs with their fingers, which means “shut up.” But nobody shut up.
    Mr. Klutz reached into his pocket and pulled out one of those air horn cans that people bring to football games.
    BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
    We all covered our ears and stopped talking.
    “Boys and girls, I want to let you know that I have to go to the airport, because I’m leaving—”
    WHAT?!
    “Mr. Klutz is leaving!” one of the second graders yelled.
    Everybody started freaking out, screaming, crying, and falling out of their seats. You should have been there!
    “Mr. Klutz isn’t going to be our principal anymore!” wailed Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. “He must have been fired!”
    “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Andrea’s crybaby friend, Emily. Then she went running out of the all-purpose room.

    Even the teachers were sobbing and blowing their noses into tissues. Well, they blew the snot from their noses into the tissues, not the nosesthemselves. If they blew their noses into the tissues, their noses would fall off; and it would be weird to walk around without a nose.
    “Don’t leave us!” wailed Ms. Hannah, the art teacher. She jumped onstage and was hanging on to Mr. Klutz’s leg.
    “What will we do without you?” moaned Miss Lazar, the custodian.
    Mr. Klutz held up the air horn can again.
    BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
    Everybody stopped yelling and crying.
    “As I was saying,” Mr. Klutz said, “I’m leaving…for four days.”
    Oh. That’s different.

2
A New National Holiday
    We were all glad that Mr. Klutz wasn’t leaving for good, because he’s the best principal in the history of the world. One time I got sent to his office for bad behavior and he gave me a candy bar. It was the greatest moment of my life.
    After Mr. Klutz’s big announcement, wewent back to class with our teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet.
    “G’day, mates!” said Mr. Granite. “This week we’re going to learn about the Civil War. It was called the War between the States because the Northern states and the Southern states fought each other.”
    What?! That makes no sense at all.
    “If you’re gonna have a war,” Michael said, “you should fight somebody else .”
    “Yeah,” I said. “Having a war with yourself is like punching yourself in the nose.”
    “Maybe we ran out of other countries to fight,” said Ryan, “so we had to fight ourselves.”
    “Boys are dumbheads,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes.
    I was going to say “So is your face” to Andrea, but you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who walked into the door at that moment.
    Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt.