Mrs. Ted Bliss by Stanley Elkin Read Free Book Online

Manny had accompanied her to court for moral support) to get word to Alcibiades’s lawyer that there were no hard feelings, and that if he ever wanted her to visit him she would make every effort to get one of her friends in the building to drive her. He said, “Out of the question.”
    She read about the case in the paper, she watched televised excerpts of it on the eleven o’clock news (though she herself never appeared on the screen she heard some of her actual testimony as the camera showed Chitral’s face in all its friendly indifference; he looked, thought Mrs. Bliss, rather as he had looked when they had run into each other in the elevators or passed one another in the Towers’ public rooms), but try as she might, she never commanded the nuts and bolts of just how Ted’s Buick LeSabre and parking space fit into the kingpin’s schemes. It all seemed as complex to her as the idea of “laundering money,” a concept alien to even Dorothy’s baleboosteh soul. Building on this vaguely housekeeping analogy, however, she gradually came to think of the car serving Chitral and his accomplices as a sort of dope hamper. It was the closest she came. Manny said she wasn’t far off.
    Then, under the DEA’s new federal forfeiture laws, the government confiscated the car. Two agents came and affixed a bright yellow, heavy iron boot to its rear wheel. Mrs. Bliss came down to the garage when a neighbor alerted her to what was happening and wanted to know what was going on.
    One of the government agents said there was no room for a pile a shit back on the lot, and they were putting her husband’s car under house arrest.
    “How would it look?” said the other agent. “People would laugh. A seventy-eight Buick LeSabre next to all those Jags, Benzes, Rolls-Royces, Corvettes, and Bentleys? Folks would think we weren’t doing our job.”
    “Please,” said Mrs. Ted Bliss, “you can’t leave it here. You’re dishonoring my husband’s memory.”
    “Lady,” the agent said, “you should’ve thought of that before you started doing business with those mugs.”
    She called Manny and told him what was happening. Manny from the building was there within minutes of her placing the call.
    “Aha,” Manny told her, rubbing his hands, “this, this is more like it. This appertains to real estate law. Now they’re on my turf!” The agents were fixing a long yellow ribbon from four stanchions, in effect roping off Ted Bliss’s old parking space. The lawyer went up to the government. “Just what do you gentlemen think you’re doing? It looks like a crime scene down here.”
    “It is a crime scene down here,” an agent said.
    “That parking space is private property. It belongs to my client, Mrs. Ted Bliss. It was included in the deed of sale when the condominium was originally purchased.”
    “Oh yeah?” said the agent who had finished attaching the last ribbon to the last metal stanchion and was just now adjusting the posts, pulling them taut so the ribbons formed a rectangle about the parking space. “How’s it look?” he asked his partner.
    The other agent touched his forefinger to his right thumb and held it up eye level with his face. “You’re an artist,” he said.
    “Oh yeah?” the agent, turning to Manny, said again. “We’re not just confiscating the car, we’re confiscating the parking space, too. She wants it back, she can come to the auction and make a bid just like any other American in good standing. She can make us an offer on the piece a shit, too.”
    “Sure,” said the agent who’d said it was a crime scene down there, speaking to Manny but looking directly at Mrs. Ted Bliss, “she can start with a bid five, six thousand bucks over the blue book value of the parking space.”
    The two DEA agents got into a sparkling, silver, late-model Maserati and drove the hell off, leaving Manny and Dorothy looking helplessly down at the rubber tire tracks the car had burned into the cement floor of the