Myth-Ing Persons by Robert Asprin Read Free Book Online Page B

vampires," Guido said, ignoring my warning, "how do they find anybody to bite for blood?"
    "As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choosing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bottle."
    She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on a low wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back and forth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of the area, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinking wine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuff they were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach did a fast roll and dip to the right.
    "If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let's try to find this Dispatcher character before someone invites us to join them for a drink."
    With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants, nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as we went. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun, and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren't for the urgency of our quest… and, of course, the fact that they were vampires.
    Following the instructions I had gleaned from the couple on the road before their panicky flight, we found the Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guido outside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs and entered the Dispatcher's office.
    As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't prepared me for the room we stepped into.
    There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls, pictures which depicted moving, living things much like looking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the images being displayed were of incredible violence and unspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helpless victims. The overall effect was neither relaxing nor pleasant… definitely not something I'd want on the wall at home.
    I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed the Dispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps "rose" is the wrong description. What he actually did was hop down to the floor from his chair which was high to begin with, but made higher by the addition of a pillow to the seat.
    He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand extended for a handshake.
    "Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my problem. Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just a minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"
    That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand, pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with Massha, then grabbed my hand again… all before he stopped talking.
    All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little off-guard.
    "I… ummm… how did you know I have a problem?"
    That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a wink.
    "Nobody comes in here unless they've got a problem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means more work for me. Prove me wrong… please! Tell me you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me duck out for a bit to drink."
    "Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were told…,"
    "See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing problems I handle for…"
    He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our visit short, I interrupted his pitch.
    "We're looking for a friend who…" "Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"
    With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled with it briefly, then started talking into it.
    "Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need… sure…"
    Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under one side of his