Nazi Sharks! by Jared Roberts Read Free Book Online Page A

on the
shark brains. They will now accept instructions, swim in formation,
perform team-based tasks (so long as the tasks involve killing and
eating hobos) and become distressed if I forget the oven on.
    “These are smart sharks, sure,”
I told the assistants. “But can they solve a good crossword?”
    The assistants returned to
their research in dismay. They still think I am a madman. But I am
now a madman with results. A madman who knows a smart shark from a
super-intelligent shark. A madman with all the peanut butter.
     

 
    Chapter 13
Dangerous and Stupid
     
    The air smelled dangerous that
night, Andrea thought. Dangerous and stupid. The perfect kind of
night for staying in the hotel room, wearing nothing but oversized
t-shirts and bikini bottoms, and eating some fried chicken. It’s
what hot girls do in hotel rooms. But Edwina was breaking
that particular covenant. It’s not that Andrea was jealous. She
herself only dated fruit vendors, and no-one’s going to delve into
that particular bit of psychopathology. But she was worried.
    “I can’t believe you’re going
out with that guy,” Mila said, emphasizing the ‘that guy’ more than
Andrea would have agreed with. But Mila had always been a
judgmental cunt. Sorry, she told herself, feeling guilty. Sometimes
she worried Mila had telepathic powers, just like that scene in Scanners where the dude gives these old ladies a nosebleed.
She touched her nose discretely. Dodged that bullet.
    “Why not?” Edwina asked,
pulling up her plaid skirt. “The competition’s been cancelled now,
so it’s all good.”
    “He’s an ethical man, that
Kevin Costner,” Steph noted while rooting around through Edwina’s
purse. That Steph. She was a goofball. She’d probably insert
something embarrassing in the purse, like a picture of herself
after she was arrested for arson.
    “But it’s not the competition,”
Mila answered. “It’s—well—he’s named ‘Burt Reynolds.’” Cunt. “And
you met him while vomiting. Feet away from a chewed-up torso.
That’s not good. That’s the opposite of good.”
    “It’s true,” Nikki agreed. “I
know my Feng Shui, and that’s bad chi.”
    Nikki agreed with almost
everything Mila said. She’d bought Season 3 of Sliders because Mila had referenced it once. Season 3 was when it started
to suck, although it had its moments. Nikki should start to be
herself more, Andrea often thought. She had a deep, creative side,
a side that could look at a porcelain clown and see a smaller
porcelain clown with all the paint chipped off.
    “He passed me his
handkerchief,” Edwina rebutted. “How many guys even have a
handkerchief anymore? And of those, how many share them? Shows
sensitivity. And he’s cute.”
    “What if he’s the Shakatitt
Shark?” Andrea asked, at last voicing her fears. It felt like a
coffee enema in her soul, except not as wet or energizing.
    Of all her friends, Edwina was
the hardest to read, more like Finnegans Wake than Goosebumps: Say Cheese and Die . The undeclared leader of the
gang, Edwina had all the poise, beauty, confidence, and never
seemed to fart. She had an unpleasant childhood that she’d only
talk about when sleeping within two miles of a Taco Bell. Nothing
in her seemed abrasive, but she did seem to be a magnet for
negative forces, as though the world itself said, ‘Oh come on!’ She
learned to swim so well because every boat she’d board would be
sure to sink, every slice of bread in her toaster to kinda burn,
not enough so you can quite throw it out, but enough that you can’t
enjoy it much either.
    The Bubblegum Queens all looked
to Andrea. “I mean, Burt Reynolds can’t be easy to live up to. The
pressure could drive anyone…”
    “A little crazy,” Nikki agreed,
nodding her head. “Just like Burt Reynolds’ performance
in…uhh…”
    “Life,” Steph finished with a
shrug.
    “Yeah, that.”
    “I’ll throw you a bone,” Edwina
told them. “ Sharky’s Machine .”
    “You