Nazi Sharks! by Jared Roberts Read Free Book Online Page B

just solved the murders!”
Mila exclaimed. “It’s him!”
    “I’m leaving,” Edwina replied
with bemusement. “Don’t wait up.”
    Edwina left like a breeze
amidst cherry blossoms, Andrea thought, carefree, unpolluted, and
attracted to Hispanic men. That kind of freedom was hard-earned,
Andrea realized, and respected Edwina for it the way she respected
a particularly strong cheddar. Edwina had been a boyish girl in
school with a passion for dinosaur anatomy and mating practices.
Andrea recalled fondly how teacher after teacher tried to beat this
out of her, but Edwina would only use these as ‘studies in dinosaur
deviance.’ Despite this intellectual bent, her face resembled
neither a pizza nor a clam chowder, and her body had taken the
curvaceous shape of a robot cheerleader. When she made her
valedictorian speech wearing only a chemise (to make a point, and
she made many), those who had called her ‘Dinoporn,’ for years
regretted it and even took a keen interest in it themselves.
Andrea, on the other hand, regretted having worn anything at all.
Friendly competition aside, Andrea probably loved no-one more than
Eddie, except for Scott Valentine. She—they all, really—had been
attracted to Edwina like gorgeous, busty iron filings to a magnet.
She was Edwina.
    After a few moments of silence,
Mila started up again, as Andrea knew she would—it was so Mila to
let the mood mellow and then rev it up again like a monkey on
waterskis.
    “He was in Deliverance ,”
she said.
    “Does he kill anyone in that?”
Nikki asked.
    “Just hillbillies. Does that
even count?”
    “Hillbillies are people, too,”
Andrea blurted, instantly regretting it, because, deep down, she
didn’t believe it anyway. She always told herself, ‘You don’t
defend an idea you don’t believe in, stupid!’ “They’re born, just
like me and you, except without sanitation and always during an
episode of Steve Wilkos . They have hopes and dreams, like
that one where they’re being fried up by roadkill and it’s going to eat them .”
    Mila rolled her eyes and went
silent. Andrea knew Mila would tweet about this later.
    “Still,” Andrea said, “I’m
worried about Eddie.”
    “Me too,” Steph agreed,
“there’s a funny vibe tonight. A dangerous vibe.”
    “Dangerous and stupid,” Andrea
agreed.
     

 
    Chapter 14
Salt Water Titties
     
    There was Sheena. Her massive
melons proudly jutted forward in the moonlight like exhibits in a
planetarium. The ocean wind raked her silvery blonde hair and the
surf splashed around her tight, bronzed body, mingling with the
drool puddling before her three admirers. She led the Pussy Willows
with an iron tit. Now she’d led them, as any great leader must
sometimes do, to some topless swimming in dangerous, shark-infested
waters with three, horny douchebags whose only assets were ‘Hey,
nice abs!’
    “Aren’t you guys afraid
of the shark?” Sheena asked the douchebags defiantly. She didn’t
know their names. None of the girls did. Maybe the guys didn’t,
either. What did names really mean in a world of pure sensation, a
world comprised of oceans, tits, and cheap vodka?
    “Yeah, so?” one guy said. “Tits
win. Like, every time.”
    The other two guys agreed with
this sentiment wholeheartedly enough to provide a round of
fist-bumps.
    “I don’t think we should be
here,” Lisa said, trying to hide how she was shivering, but her
jiggling jugs could hide nothing (except that coupon for $1 off
Oikos Yogurt she’d forgotten there last week).
    “That’s so existential,” the
second douchebag said, his head nodding with ponderous agreement.
“I often feel the same way. Like, why? Why me? Why life? Why
anything at all? I dunno. We could just be, like, nothing. Nothing
at all.”
    Lisa’s brain hurt and she
didn’t understand. And she hadn’t even eaten any ice cream. “I
mean—I don’t wanna be eaten by sharks,” she said. “I think that’d
really suck.”
    “Yeah, me too,”