No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Unknown Read Free Book Online Page B

mechanisms, the road map they follow just won't take them where they want to go. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something different, their life paradigm requires that they keep trying harder, doing more of the same.
    I frequently tell Nice Guys, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had." To reiterate what I've illustrated before, Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting what they want in love and life by:
    ● Seeking the approval of others.
    ● Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
    ● Putting other people's needs and wants before their own.
    ● Sacrificing their personal power and playing the role of a victim.
    ● Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine energy.
    ● Co-creating relationships that are less than satisfying.
    ● Creating situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
    ● Failing to live up their full potential.
    The next seven chapters present a proven plan to show recovering Nice Guys the most effective ways to do something different. Read on. It is time for you to start getting what you want in love and life.

    Chapter

    Learn To Please
    The Only Person
    Who Really Matters

    "I'm a chameleon," revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. "I will become whatever I believe a person wants me to be in order to be liked. With my smart friends I act intelligent and use a big vocabulary. Around my mother, I look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at work I cuss and swear . . . whatever it takes to look cool. Underneath it all, I'm not sure who I really am or if any of them would like me just for who I am. If I can't figure out what people want me to be, I'm afraid I will be all alone. The funny thing is, I feel alone most of the time anyway."
    Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don't like. Todd is an example of a man, who, because of internalized toxic shame, believes he has to become what he thinks other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like metamorphism is essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
    The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the opposite of what works. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.
    Seeking Approval
    Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a multitude of ways to convince themselves and others that they are lovable and desirable. They may focus on something about themselves (physical appearance, talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even something external to themselves (attractive wife, cute child, nice car) in order to get value and win other's approval.
    My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments . Nice Guys attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice Guys don't know what else about themselves would make anyone like or love them.
    Being a Nice Guy is the ultimate attachment for these men. They genuinely believe their commitment to being "good" and doing it "right" is what makes them valuable and compensates for their internalized belief that they are bad.
    Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that people might like them and love them just for who they are. They believe they are bad (the "I'm So Good" Nice Guy is unconscious of this core belief, but it is a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach themselves to things that