No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Unknown Read Free Book Online

farms.
    By 1940, this number had shrunk to one in five. By 1970, 96 percent of all families lived in urban areas.
    In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields. This often meant contact with extended family that included grandfathers, uncles, and cousins. This daily contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their fathers. As families migrated from rural areas to cities and suburbs after World War II, the contact between fathers and sons diminished significantly. Dads left home in the morning and went to work. Most sons never got to see what their fathers did, let alone have much time to spend with them.
    Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men's addictions to work, TV, alcohol, and sex took them away from their sons. Increases in divorce began to separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of divorce among men tripled from 1940 to 1970. In 1940, just over five million households were headed by women. By 1970, this figure had almost tripled to over 13 million households.
    In general, the Nice Guys I have worked with do not report having had a close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood. Sometimes this was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being passive. More often than not, Nice Guys describe their fathers in negative terms. They often see them as controlling, rageful, angry, absent, abusive, unavailable, addictive, or philandering. It is not unusual at some point in childhood for Nice Guys to have made a conscious decision to be different from their fathers.
    The unavailability of dads during this era often required mothers to take over the job of the fathers.
    Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately even the most well-meaning mothers are not equipped to teach their sons how to be men by themselves. This hasn't kept them from trying.
    I believe the significant number of Nice Guys produced in the '40s, '50s, and '60s is the direct result of mothers, not fathers, teaching their sons how to be male. Consequently, many Nice Guys have adopted a female perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood defined by women.
    The Female Dominated Educational System
    The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys being raised by women.
    Since World War II, boys have entered schools dominated by females. For most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to please women. From kindergarten through sixth grade, I had only one male teacher and six females. This is pretty consistent with national norms.
    Men account for just one in four teachers nationwide. In the primary grades, they make up only 15% of the teaching staff, and that number is steadily dropping. From daycare to preschool to elementary school, little boys in the post-war era have been surrounded by women. There have been few adult males to help them through this experience. If a little boy was already disconnected from his father and trained to please a woman, the typical school system magnified this conditioning.
    The Vietnam War
    In the '60s, the Vietnam War crystallized the feeling of alienation between many baby boom boys and their fathers. Battle lines were drawn between young men protesting a war started and perpetuated by their fathers. A generation of World War II veterans could not understand the flaunting of responsibility and the social rebellion of their sons. The young men of this generation became the antithesis of their fathers and of an establishment that solved domestic and international problems with guns and bombs.
    The anti-war movement created a new breed of males focused on love, peace, and avoiding conflict.
    Women's Liberation
    During this same period of time, many women were beginning to