Ode to Lata by Ghalib Shiraz Dhalla Read Free Book Online

where the followers supplicated in idolatrous fashion at a life-sized picture of the Imam, and poured in all the change I had to my name.  I had joined my hands in prayer, the rosary twining through my fingers, and lodged a desperate plea to make my best friend fall in love with me.  I’d learnt early in life that the commodity that proves scarce in the world and could make grown men grovel was love.
    Oh, God, let me have Richard.  Richard, Richard, Richard.
  I blubbered and convulsed on the floor, calling God’s name and Richard’s as if they were one and the same. 
    Until then, having exhausted both – myself and the dear Imam – with a paroxysm of threats and tears, I sat by the phone, hoping for a miracle.  My head was pounding, the tears had run dry and I felt weak and admonished.  I’d been turned to ash.  After another fifteen minutes, I knew I had no other choice.  I picked up the receiver with much apprehension, and dialed his number.  All the time, a part of myself, the part that I felt was standing outside of me, was saying,
What are you doing?  You can’t go on like this.  This must stop.
    The answering machine came on.  I panicked. 
He’s avoiding me.  Surely he’s standing right there with his arms folded across his chest, and his face contorted with disgust.  He’ll never pick up the phone again, and I’ll be shut out of his life forever.
I felt my insides, with every beep that gave way to a message, contracting into little knots.
    Oh God, what have I done?  Why couldn’t I just let him go to whoever and been understanding about it?  Pretended to be nonchalant.  Maybe then he would’ve taken me out tomorrow.  Or some other time.  Now he’s punishing me.  I’d rather die…
    But I had no other choice.  Delayed gratification had never been part of my training as an only child.  I had always wanted it
now
and I had always gotten it
now
.  Never had to wait.  All I had to do was fling myself onto the ground and start kicking and throwing my fists around and whatever my heart desired would be provided.  Toyshops would be re-opened, and ice cream would come by the gallons if I had so desired. If required, I could cry until it became difficult to breathe and I started to hiccup and compel them with my trauma.  Not that one time though.  No, it certainly wasn’t working this time… .
    I opened my mouth to speak but there were no words.  That’s when Richard unexpectedly intercepted the call.  “Yes?”
    “It’s me,” I said carefully.  As if he hadn’t known that.  As if he hadn’t known that unless he picked up the phone, I would have been driven to incessantly calling and hanging up.  I was only grateful that he’d spared me from that portion of my sickness.  He remained silent, and I was afraid I was making this worse.  “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry… I know, I know, I’ve said that before, but I
really
am, Richard.  Oh, God, I love you, please don’t be angry with me… .”
    I heard him sigh with exasperation. 
He thinks I’m pathetic.  I think I’m pathetic.
    “It’s just that, it’s been a whole week since I last saw you, and I was really looking forward to tonight, you know?  I mean, I was all ready and everything, and then you call me—”
    “I really don’t want to talk right now.  Didn’t I tell you that?”
    “I know, I’m sorry.  Look, let’s just forget about it, okay?  Maybe another time.  It’s fine.  Just go ahead with your plans.  I just… I guess I just over-reacted….”
    “
Again!
  You over-reacted
again!
  You
always
fucking do this, Ali.  I’m tired of this shit!  I don’t want to put up with this any more.  Who the fuck do you think you are, giving me shit?”
    “Richard, please, I love you.  Work with me on this… Please, show me how.  I didn’t mean for it to get this way.  I know I’ll change.”  There.  I repented.  Repented for him letting me down.  Repented for him