Off Kilter by Glen Robins Read Free Book Online Page B

efforts yielded little. The flood of memories was building, spilling over his delicate barriers. Try as he might, he could not contain it. As he walked along taking in the sights, sounds, and smells, his defenses began to break down. He heard Amy’s laughter echoing from a time years before when they had gone on a picnic together at a similar looking place in the Sierra foothills.
    Soon his mind was caught up in the memory, and he felt himself spinning out of control, unable to stop it. Flashbacks of Amy and the children laughing and playing in the park and on the swings gripped him as he watched a young German family. The children were the same ages as his had been and were frolicking much the same as his had done not so long ago. Collin stopped in his tracks, only ten yards from them, transfixed with a hollow gaze. His mouth half-curled up in an eerie smile as his eyes glazed over. It was a bizarre display that frightened the German children.
    Replaying that day in the park in the California foothills took him far away from reality for a few dangerous moments. He was forced to snap out of it as the irate German father approached him—irritated and intimidating with tightened jaw muscles and glaring eyes. Stunned and self-conscious, Collin turned and sprinted away as fast as his legs would carry him.
    A quarter mile later, he was well out of danger, so he slowed to a brisk walk and headed toward the downtown area to find a crowd into which he could merge. His eyes darted in every direction and his head swiveled side to side, but saw nothing unusual. These types of suspicious actions could draw attention, he knew, so he sucked in a deep breath to calm himself. He ran his fingers through his hair and let out his breath as he struggled to shake the haunting memories that had taken control of him in the park. In his mind, his children continued to run and play, laugh and call his name, hold his hand and look to him for protection.
    Like a herd of wild horses corralled in a crowded pen, Collin’s memories couldn’t be contained. His diminishing control over his thoughts and actions presented a growing peril to his safety and survival. It was time again check in with Lukas for some coaching and reassurance. He needed a friend and wished Lukas was there with him.
    “Collin, what’s up?” Lukas’s voice sounded distracted. Collin had the feeling he was calling at an inconvenient time.
    “Sounds like you’re busy. Maybe I should call later.”
    “No, no. This is as good a time as any. I meant to call you to see how you’re doing.”
    Collin explained to Lukas what had just transpired.
    “I’m no expert on mental health issues, but it sounds to me like the pressure may be affecting you more than we expected. Maybe you need to get your mind on something else. You know, add some other sensory inputs. Try to distract yourself. Go somewhere crowded where there’s a lot of noise and lots of things to look at. Maybe watching a game on TV would help.”
    “Right,” said Collin. “I’ll find a busy sports bar or something.”
    “All right. Sounds good. Call me later, OK?” said Lukas.
     
     
    With darkness moving in, enveloping Munich in its chilly grasp, Collin found a teeming sports bar in the bustling downtown district—the kind with several television sets showing different games all at once. The choices were soccer, cricket, rugby, or the news. He settled into a seat near a television, where a dapper anchorman in a fashionable suit talked and smiled. The volume was too low to hear, but the words and pictures on the screen told enough of the story. 
    He ate alone against the wall at the far end of the restaurant, hunched over his laptop, pecking away at the keys, recording not only the events of the day, but his reaction to them in his journal. He hoped this would provide insight into his meltdowns. As he typed, Collin nibbled on the uninspiring food and monitored the happenings on the TVs. As his eyes scanned the