Oh Dear Silvia by Dawn French Read Free Book Online Page B

poor excuse for a man? This staggering bullish hollow creature? This lumbering dolt? How could she respect him ?
    She resolved to change it right then and there, she was never going to allow this humiliation into her own life. She would find an honourable man who wanted to step up and be a proper father, and she wouldn’t settle for anything less. Her child would have a dad to look up to, they would not have to live with the aching gap where that person is supposed to beand they wouldn’t live with the constant nagging toxins of doubt inside them that they somehow weren’t good enough to deserve their father’s love. That’s what it equalled for Winnie. A life of self-doubt. Her mother was always encouraging but a kid never wants the approval they already have, they want the one that’s so far out of reach. The impossible one.
    How, then, did Winnie make such a catastrophic choice?
    Easily. That’s how.
    The self-doubt builds and builds over all the years until it melts into one great bubbling cauldron full of hot misgivings and poisonous self-hatred, enough to fuel her gratitude for the attentions of such a handsome confident young man as Bradley Daniels. She couldn’t believe that from such popular lofty heights, he bestowed an interest upon her. He was valuable. Beautiful and prized among his crew. A leader. Powerful. That power was the magnet for her. She wanted an important, strong Jamaican man. That’s who she thought he was. And she might have been right, for about four years of his Yardie early twenties, that’s what he was.
    Well, in their flats anyway.
    Well, on the particular floor of their flats.
    He was respected there, and during his short blingy reign, he paid the dangerously inferior-feeling Winnie occasional attention. She said she wouldn’t sleep with him unless they were married and so then she didn’t see him for six months. When he blessed her with a returning interest, she was sothankful, she settled for the promise to marry as her guarantee of his commitments. Of course he promised that. In her single bed, in her bedroom with posters of a topless Prince on the wall, and with a hot Winnie wide-eyed and ready, he would’ve promised anything.
    The moment he knew she was to be his ‘baby mudda’ he began his cruel regime of completely ignoring her. In fact, he went out of his way, sometimes, to display his other, newer younger conquests to her. ’Til they also fell pregnant, of course. At which point they also would be discarded.
    And on and on.
    Winnie decided that the shunning of herself and her beautiful new son, Luke, was not to be tolerated, so she left Birningham and came to this smaller town to start again, bringing her mother with her. She hadn’t broken the cycle of damaging irresponsible indifference with Luke’s father, but she sure as hell was going to raise a boy that would respect women. All women. And she needs to get home to him now, to make sure he doesn’t have any holes in his loving.
    Before she leaves though, she stops for a moment to hold Silvia’s hand.
    ‘I’m very sorry for your sufferation, Sista Silvia, you mus be truly vex at all this. But, darlin, if you can hear me now, lissun up. Disya situhation is difficult, but not h’impossible. Nuttin in life is h’impossible but you haffi want it to change, yes? Life is only wutless if you deem it so. Is your life wutless? You cyan’ttink dat. I am wonderin, what is it you would want to hear someone say or do, dat would mek you wan’ come out? Mi no know, darlin, but plenty effort goin into finding out. So you haffi do fi you part too, Silvia. You haffi try, OK? Right, mi gaan. See you tomorrow. Good eveling, sleepy head.’
    She closes the door quietly behind her.

Nine
Ed
    Saturday 10am
    It’s a new morning, five days since Silvia fell off her balcony. She hasn’t opened her eyes since that moment and, although no one is openly saying it, Ed is acutely aware that generally, hope seems to be diminishing.
    He