Only Human by Tom Holt Read Free Book Online

‘are you sure I’m not the Prime Minister?’
    â€˜Pretty sure,’ replied the rat.
    â€˜Ah.’ Fraud thought for a moment. ‘Why?’
    The rat twitched its whiskers. ‘Because if you had been,’ it said pleasantly, ‘I’d have left you there to die. Be reasonable. I may be a rat, but there are limits.’
    >DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS?
    Kevin lifted his head out of his hands and looked up at the screen. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Very much.’
    >THE GOOD NEWS IS, THERE’S STILL SOME THINGS
YOU HAVEN’T MADE A COMPLETE PIG’S EAR OF.
    â€˜Huh?’
    >SEVERAL OF THEM.
    â€˜Thanks for nothing,’ Kevin growled. ‘Look, what about getting the communications back? Any progress?’
    >DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE IT, REALLY. I’M
WORKING ON IT, CERTAINLY.
    â€˜You are?’
    >OF COURSE. YOU’LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW I’VE
GOT THE VENTILATION SYSTEM GOING, SO THERE’S
NO DANGER OF USING UP ALL THE AIR AND SUFFOCATING.
    â€˜Well, that’s something.’
    >NOT REALLY. NOBODY ROUND HERE USES THE STUFF.
STILL, IT’S A COMFORT TO KNOW IT’S THERE IF YOU
EVER DID FIND A USE FOR IT.
    Kevin stood up. His knees were shaking a little. ‘That does it,’ he said. ‘I’m going to call Uncle Ghost. He’ll make you say what’s going on, and then perhaps we can get it sorted out.’
    >GOOD IDEA. I SUPPOSE.
    â€˜What d’you mean, you suppose?’
    >FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW, I MEAN. LIKE, IF THERE’S
ANY LIFE-FORCE IN THIS REALITY CAPABLE OF
MAKING A WORSE MESS OF THINGS THAN YOU’VE
JUST DONE, IT’S YOUR UNCLE GHOST. I’M JUST NOT
SURE THAT’S WHAT’D BE BEST FOR THE COSMOS AS
A WHOLE. SORRY, DON’T TAKE ANY NOTICE, JUST
THINKING ALOUD, REALLY.
    Kevin sagged like a punctured water-bed and flumped back into the chair. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘Look, isn’t there anything you can do to speed up getting the phones back on line?’
    >NOT REALLY. YOU SEE, SINCE THE SYSTEM’S
DESIGNED TO BE OPERATED BY OMNIPOTENT
PERSONNEL ONLY, NOBODY’S EVER GIVEN ANY
THOUGHT ABOUT HOW TO GO ABOUT MENDING
IT IF YOU’RE NOT OMNISCIENT. LIKE THE LIGHT
SWITCHES.
    Kevin nodded, acknowledging the validity of the comparison. There are no light switches in Heaven; to make the lights come on, you say Let there be light, and there is.
    â€˜I know.’ Kevin’s eyes lit up. ‘What about Uncle Nick? He’d know what to do.’
    The computer didn’t answer; a telling enough comment in itself. Originally the franchisee, then Dad’s business partner, now (following the management buy-out) nominally captain of his own ship, Uncle Nick’s relationship with the family and the whole of Topside was uneasy at best. There had always been that little niggling aggravation on his part; that, just because he wasn’t Family, no matter how good he was at his job he’d never really be accepted as an equal, One of Us. Even now, the golden share clause in the buy-out agreement meant that his independence was largely illusory, since he couldn’t take major policy decisions without the family’s approval (as witness the awful row when he’d wanted to redevelop Purgatory as a health club and fitness centre, and Dad wouldn’t let him). A good man, they all agreed, one of the best; but not really a team player. And besides, what could he do? Try and make things better ? That’d be like trying to heat your bath by dumping the electric fire in it, or asking a lawyer to help you solve a problem.
    Kevin was just coming to terms with that when there was a knock at the door. Once he’d finished jumping out of his skin, he got up and opened the door a crack.
    â€˜Oh,’ he said. ‘It’s only you.’
    It was, indeed, only Martha, doing her morning round with the tea trolley. Kevin relaxed.
    â€˜You got any empty cups in