Over the Edge by Jonathan Kellerman Read Free Book Online

Both suck. Death's probably quieter.'
    Crossing his legs, he examined the bloody heel as if studying a biology specimen.
    'We don't have to talk about this now,' I said.
    'But I want to! You've been leading up to it all these months, right? This is what all the buddy-buddy stuff has been about, right? Building rapport so you can head-shrink more effectively. So let's talk about it now, okay! You want to know if I think about killing myself? Sure. Once or twice a week.'
    'Are they passing thoughts, or do they stay with you for a while?'
    'Six of one, half dozen of the other.'
    'Do you ever think about a method?'
    He laughed out loud, closed his eyes, and began reciting in alow voice:
    Since we can die but once, what matters it,
    If rope or garter, poison, pistol, sword,
    Slow wasting sickness or the sudden burst of valve
    arterial in the noblest parts,
    Curtail the misery of human life?
    Tho' varied is the cause, the effect's the same
    All to one common dissolution tends.
    The eyes opened.
    'Tom C. had an answer for everything, didn't he?'
    When I didn't respond, he laughed again, forcing it. 'Not amused, Dr. D.? What do you want, catharsis and confession? It's my life, and if I decide to bow out, it's my decision.'
    'Your decision will affect other people.'
    'Bullshit.'
    'No one lives in a vacuum, Jamey. People care about you. I care about you.'
    'What textbook did you pull that out of?'
    The fortress seemed impenetrable. I searched for a wedge.
    'Suicide is a hostile act, Jamey. You, of all people, should appreciate that.'
    His reaction was sudden and extreme. The blue eyes ignited, and his voice choked with rage. Jumping up, he turned on me, shouting shrilly:
    'My father was dog shit! And so are you for bringing him up!'
    He bobbled a shaky finger in front of my face, sputtered, and ran barefoot across the courtyard. I picked up his shoes and socks and took off after him.
    Having crossed the science squad, he swung left and disappeared down a flight of steps. Catching up wasn't difficult because his gait was clumsy, spindly legs knocking against one another like syncopated chopsticks.
    The steps ended at the loading dock of the chemistry building, an empty concrete rectangle, oil-slicked and darkened by brick walls on three sides. There was only one exit, a green metal door. He tried the latch, but it was locked. Turning to run, he saw me and froze, panting. His face was white and tear-streaked. I put down the shoes and approached.
    'Go away!'
    'Jamey - '
    'Leave me alone!'
    'Let's work this out - '
    'Why?' he screamed. 'Why bother?'
    'Because I care about you. You're important to me, and I want you to stick around.'
    He broke into sobs and looked as if he were going to crumple. I came nearer, put my arm around his shoulder, and held him.
    'You're important to me, too, Dr. D.' He sniffled into my jacket. I felt his arms go around my waist, small hands caressing my back. 'You really are. 'Cause I love you.'
    I stiffened. It was the wrong thing to do, the worst thing to do. But it was reflexive.
    He cried out and twisted free, the young face a mask of hatred and pain.
    'There! Now you know! I'm a little faggot! I've been one for years, and now I have the hots for you!'
    The shock had worn off, and I was in control again, ready to be therapeutic. I stepped forward. He shrank back.
    'Get away, you lame fuck! Leave me the fuck alone! If you don't, I'll scream for help!'
    'Jamey, let's talk - '
    'Help!' he wailed. The sound reverberated in the emptiness of the dock.
    'Please - '
    He screamed again.
    I put the shoes and socks down and walked away.
    Over the next few weeks I made repeated attempts to talk to him, but he shunned me. I played the scene over and over in my head, wondering what I could have done differently, wishing for magic while cursing the limitations of words and pauses.
    The more I thought about it, the more I worried about suicide. After much deliberation I broke confidentiality and phoned his uncle. Knowing it