Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman Read Free Book Online

tried to catch him. That was very funny. You should see her face when the cricket jumped away, she was very surprised. She wasn’t suspecting it in a million years. When he landed she tried to catch him again. She didn’t give up, she just carried on trying and trying. In the end I caught the cricket for her. She squeezed his leg. She squeezed too hard at first and nearly broke it off but after that she just touched it nice and gentle. Her fingers are very tiny but fat at the same time. I love them the most. Only babies can be tiny and fat at the same time, they’re very lucky like that.
    The red is the dead boy’s blood. I couldn’t get it dark enough so I mixed some black with it, just a little bit at a time. It still didn’t look how it was in my head. I couldn’t get it to match. Asweh, it was very vexing.
    Mrs Fraser: ‘You’ll wear a hole in the paper if you carry on like that!’
    In the end I just gave up. My eyes were all blurry and Poppy was looking at me funny like she thought I was a spaz. That’s when I knew it was time to give up.

    There are warnings everywhere. They’re only there to help you. They’re very funny. The big fence around the front of school has hutious spikes on top to stop the robbers climbing over. There’s a sign on the fence:

    Asweh, it’s very funny. There are signs all over school telling you to turn off your mobile phone:

    Connor Green: ‘It’s ’cause the teachers are all robots and the signal from the phones messes with their circuits, innit.’
    Nathan Boyd: ‘There should be a warning sign on you. No talking to this boy. Serious risk of bullshit.’
    Connor Green: ‘F— off.’

    We found another crazy sign by the river:

    We love that sign. It’s our new alltime favourite.
    Me: ‘We should dare Nathan Boyd to eat the watercress.’
    Dean: ‘Good idea. He’ll never do it.’
    The river is behind the trees. It’s only dark. It’s too small for swimming and the water is acid, if you fell in all your skin would burn off. There’s a platform that goes over the shit pipe that’s big enough for both the two of you to sit on. You can just sit there and watch all the things in the river go past. It’s usually just sticks or cans or paper. Whoever sees a human head first gets a million points.
    We were looking for the knife the dead boy got killed with. It’s called the murder weapon. If we see it, we’re going to fish it out and take it to the police.
    Me: ‘Keep your eyes peeled, it could be anywhere.’
    Dean: ‘Roger that. I’m on it, Captain.’
    We’re proper detectives now. It’s a personal mission. The dead boy even told the rogues to leave me alone one time when they were hooting me for wearing ankle-freezers (that’s when the legs of your trousers are too short). I didn’t even ask him, he just helped me for no reason. I wanted him to be my friend after that but he got killed before it came true. That’s why I have to help him now, he was my friend even if he didn’t know about it. He was my first friend who got killed and it hurts too much to forget. There’d be fingerprints and blood on the murder weapon. If we found it we could identify the killer, that’s what Dean said. He’s seen all the shows.
    Dean: ‘And if we help catch the killer we’ll get a reward, innit.’
    Me: ‘How much?’
    Dean: ‘Dunno. A grand. Maybe more.’
    A grand is a thousand. It sounded like too much. If I got a grand I’d buy a ticket for Papa and Agnes and Grandma Ama and if there was any left over I’d buy a proper football made of skin that doesn’t fly away.
    Me: ‘Keep looking. He definitely came this way.’
    Dean: ‘Are you sure it was a knife?’
    Me: ‘Yes! It was this big.’
    I showed him how long with my hands.
    Dean: ‘Right you are, Chief.’ (That’s how detectives talk. It’s just a rule.)
    If the killer threw the knife in the river it could be gone to the sea by now. It could already be too late. Asweh, it was very nervous. I