Plastic by Christopher Fowler Read Free Book Online

not just blind, it’s very, very sick. I could see unfaithfulness in his eyes the day I met him. You’ve made his day, bringing it out in the open. He’s one of those men who divides all women into two groups: your allies and possible shags. You married too young and he’s taken the best years of your life, your good body-gravity years. Nobody with a brain gets married at nineteen, and you do have a brain, even if you seem to have stuffed it inside a needlepoint cushion. I’m making another Rum Sour, do you want one?’
    ‘Can I have a beer?’
    ‘Spirits would be better for you at this point. They always worked for me, even when I was pregnant. I was still chain-smoking and drinking Rum Sours when my water broke. It was great. Hadrian was born so underweight I didn’t get any stretchmarks.’
    ‘I’m not sure you’re right about Gordon. He had some good qualities.’
    ‘You’re already talking about him as if he’s dead. That’s a good sign. Budweiser, Heineken, Tiger, Stella or Special Brew? Have the Special Brew, it must be good if tramps drink it. Name three qualities, then.’
    ‘All right.’ I thought for a moment. ‘He’s good with money.’
    ‘Look where that’s got you. I’m talking about physical qualities.’
    ‘I liked the way his arms suddenly stopped being hairy just above the elbows. The way his stomach touched my back when we did spoons.’ I unfocussed my eyes and thought hard. ‘I’m sure there’s a third thing. We’ve been married a long time.’
    ‘Fantastic sex?’
    ‘I don’t think so. It was always over very quickly. I mean I’ve never had –’
    ‘Orgasms, it’s okay, they say it on morning TV.’
    ‘–much chance to make comparisons.’
    ‘Oh, sorry. I assume all women are sexually experienced. There was a year when I slept with every man under twenty-five in Nottingham who asked me. Darren’s idea of warming me up in bed is to rub his hand on my crotch so hard you’d think he was sanding a door.’ Lou pulled a face, opened two cans of Special Brew, chucked me one and disconsolately necked the other before returning to her rum.
    ‘Gordon started wearing his underpants to bed once he realised that I didn’t stare at his groin in awe,’ I told her.
    ‘I suppose my parents avoided killing each other for the sake of the kids,’ Lou sighed. She and her brother Nick had been a disappointment to her folks. Lou had undergone an abortion at fifteen. Nick had spent his twenties in prison for manslaughter. It sounded more glamorous than it was; there had been a drunken fight in a pub over the throwing of beermats. ‘The best thing you can do is to hit him where it hurts. Give in to your wildest urges and do some serious damage to his plastic.’
    ‘He’s taken away all my credit cards.’
    ‘What about your Connect?’
    ‘There’s hardly anything left in my account. I’ve still got my World Of Wood discount card. I’m overdrawn by eleven thousand pounds.’
    ‘Holy shit. Well, that does it.’ She drained her glass and made a face as the nutmeg hit her. ‘You’re on your own. Burn the house down and we’ll do a Thelma & Louise.’
    ‘The awful thing is, I’d probably take him back.’
    ‘You’re going to make me violent if you talk like that. Haven’t you got anything you can sell?’
    ‘Everything’s in his name – everything .’
    ‘How did that happen? Did you learn nothing from Guy Ritchie and Madonna?’
    ‘I’m his wife,’ I explained, ‘love, honour –’
    ‘–and get everything you can lay your hands on. Expecting cashback isn’t much to ask for ten years of terrible sex. Actually, you told me about the sex on the night of my thirtieth birthday.’
    ‘I remember. We drank two bottles of Slivovitz in the garden and you were sick into our fishpond. I wish I’d never found that earring.’
    ‘It’s better than having to pretend you still love him.’
    ‘But I do still love him.’
    ‘Darling, he was draining his dick into the