Politically Correct Bedtime Stories by James Finn Garner Read Free Book Online

wasn’t wasted, you know. I’ve got to know every square inch of these woods, and I think it would be ideal for an office/property share/resort complex. The location’s great and the numbers add up perfectly! The bank wouldn’t lend any money to a frog, but now that I’m in human form again, they’ll be eating out of my hand. Oh, will that be sweet! And let me tell you, this is going to be a big project! Just drain the pond, cut down about 80 per cent of the trees, get easements for… .’
    The frog developer was cut short when the princess shoved her golden ball back into his mouth. She then pushed him back underwater and held him there until he stopped thrashing. As she walked back to the castle, she marvelled at the number of good deeds that a person could do in just one morning. And while someone might have noticed that the frog was gone, no one ever missed the real estate developer.

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
    nce upon a time, on a little farm, there lived a boy named Jack. He lived on the farm with his mother, and they were very excluded from the normal circles of economic activity. This cruel reality kept them in straits of direness, until one day Jack’s mother told him to take the family cow into town and sell it for as much as he could.
    Never mind the thousands of gallons of milk they had stolen from her! Never mind the hours of pleasure their bovine animal companion had provided! And forget about the manure they had appropriated for their garden! She was now just another piece of property to them. Jack, who didn’t realize that non-human animals have as many rights as human animals—perhaps even more—did as his mother asked.
    On his way to town, Jack met an old magic vegetarian, who warned Jack of the dangers of eating beef and dairy products.
    ‘Oh, I’m not going to eat this cow,’ said Jack. ‘I’m going to take her into town and sell her.’
    ‘But by doing that, you’ll just perpetuate the cultural mythos of beef, ignoring the negative impact of the cattle industry on our ecology and the health and social problems that arise from meat consumption. But you look too simple to be able to make these connections, my boy. I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll offer to trade your cow for these three magic beans, which have as much protein as that entire cow but none of the fat or sodium.’
    Jack made the swap gladly and took the beans home to his mother. When he told her about the deal he had made, she grew very upset. She used to think her son was merely a conceptual rather than a linear thinker, but now she was sure that he was downright differently abled. She grabbed the three magic beans and threw them out of the window in disgust. Later that day, she attended her first support-group meeting with Mothers of Storybook Children.
    The next morning, Jack stuck his head out of the window to see if the sun had risen in the east again (he was beginning to see a pattern in this). But outside the window, the beans had grown into a huge stalk that reached through the clouds. Because he no longer had a cow to milk in the morning, Jack climbed the beanstalk into the sky.
    At the top, above the clouds, he found a huge castle. It was not only big, but it was built to larger-than-average scale, as if it were the home of someone who just happened to be a giant. Jack entered the castle and heard beautiful music wafting through the air. He followed this sound until he found its source: a golden harp that played music without being touched. Next to this self-actualized harp was a hen sitting on a pile of golden eggs.
    Now, the prospect of easy wealth and mindless entertainment appealed to Jack’s bourgeois sensibilities, so he picked up both the harp and the hen and started to run for the front door. Then he heard thundering footsteps and a booming voice that said:

    ‘FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM,
    ‘I smell the blood of an English person!
    ‘I’d like to learn about his culture and views on life!
    ‘And share my own