Retief and the PanGalactic Pageant of Pulchritude by Keith Laumer Read Free Book Online Page A

cooly, as if he were now on secure ground.
"Step aside now, there's a good fellow, and perhaps I shall find it in my
vascular pump to forget this affair."
                "You
say that if anyone knew what you're doing here, it would threaten the Security
of Groac, eh?" Retief inquired rhetorically.
                "Nothing
of the sort!" the colonel objected, speaking perfect Terran now. "I
was merely out for a stroll, noticed the charming town here, and dropped in to
cement relations at the grass-roots level."
                "This
spot is surrounded by Big Black Bog on three and a half sides," Yong
commented. "The only trail in is the one we took. Troops had to be
airlifted in. Maybe we better go inside and ask General Mub personal what's
cooking."
                "What?"
Colonel Shinth spoke up in a shocked tone. "Burst in on the General in the
midst of his logistical planning? You wouldn't dare!"
                "That
did it," Yong commented, brushing the excited Groaci aside. Without
hesitating, he slid sinuously through the half-open door. At once, hoarse Glorb
voices could be heard raised in expostulation; then the doorway disgorged a
grayish-skinned Glorb trooper who rolled to a stop at Retief's feet.
                "Help!"
the excited soldier yelled as Retief put a foot on his face to hold him in
place.
                "Stay
a while," Retief suggested gently. "I'm here to get the details on
General Mub's plans."
                "Oh,
you're one of those alien advisors, Groacs, or whatever. We had word one of you
nosy Parkers was dropping in. Trooper Blub reporting sir." The stubby
Glorb attempted a snappy salute from the suppine position.
                "It
is precisely / who am the nosy Parker," Shinth interrupted excitedly,
pushing between Retief and the Glorb, whom the Terran had permitted to rise.
                "Now,
Trooper Blub," Shinth went on, "you may conduct me to the presence of
the General."
                "Fruits
and nuts," Blub replied in a disrespectful tone. "You don't look
nothing like a Groaci, like this gent here." Blub eased closer to indicate
his correct alignment, foreign big-shot wise.
                "You
would confer the mantle of Groacihood on this notorious mere Terran?" the
outraged attache hissed in a tone sufficiently high-pitched to fetch a small
burrowing creature from its nearby den to investigate. Shinth kicked a lump of
dirt at the inquisitive creature, sending it scurrying for its hole.
                "Hey,
fella," the trooper objected, "don't go kicking no clods at the
General's pet dirt-frog!" He hurried over to lean close and make
comforting sounds. Looking up at Retief, he explained: "When Tootsie here
gets in a bad mood, the old boy goes into a towering tizzy his own self."
                "A
tizzy which, however, diminishes to insignificance by comparison with that
occasioned by the absence of his orderly when the old devil needs a refill in
his humidor!" An enraged Glorb voice roared from the doorway.
                "Oh,
General, sir!" Blub cried in a delighted tone as he scrambled to his feet
and hastily dusted at the mud and grass stains on his pinkish-gray uniform.
"Just communing with dear little Tootsie a minute was all," he
alibied lamely. "Feller likes to be sure the little darlin is cosy and
all."
                "You'd
be well advised, Trooper Last Class Blub," the General pointed out,
"to concern yourself first with the cosiness of your immediate supervisor,
Corps commander, and immeasurable superior in the person of myself!"
                "Say,"
Yong commented to Retief admiringly. "He sounds like one of the
Ambassadore's like I heard sounding off back at the port."
                "He
has the gift of ego," Retief agreed. "He could go far in the
Corps."
                "This
here," a not noticeably chastened