Retief and the PanGalactic Pageant of Pulchritude by Keith Laumer Read Free Book Online

probably in there, on the phone."
                "Suppose
we pay a courtesy call?" Retief suggested.
                "The
colonel wouldn't like that a bit," Yong replied. "Let's go."
                As
Retief, Yong at his side, approached the pivoting panel serving as entry to the
small blockhouse, it rotated abruptly, and a small, rather furtive individual,
wrapped in a dowdy black ankle-length cloak with umbrella-like ribs, darted
through the narrow opening and halted abruptly, confronted by the tall Terran
and his cat-like companion.
                Retief
sniffed, then said in Groaci, "To be surprised to find you here,
litter-mate of drones."
                "To
have no idea what you're saying," the stranger replied breathlessly in the
same language. "Did you call me a litter-mate of drones?"
                "I
could have," Retief acknowledged, in Terran. "But we don't understand
Groaci Court Dialect, remember?"
                "Outrageous!"
the small newcomer hissed and started past Yong, who snorted and pinned the fellow
flat on his back with a casual swipe of one mighty forepaw. "Smells
worse'n a Terry," the big cat commented. "No offense."
                "I
think you're a little outside your territory, Col. Shinth," Retief pointed
out to the struggling captive. "And if you're trying to operate under
cover, you'd better lay off those licorice-flavored dope-sticks. Outside of a
few degenerates in the Customs and Excise Service, you're the only Groaci I
know who smokes them. Dead giveaway."
                "Drat
your confounded nosy habits!" Shinth hissed as Yong removed his forepaw
from the alien's narrow chest. The Groaci hopped up at once, wrapped himself in
his tattered cloak and punctured dignity, and turned away. Retief halted him
with one outstretched arm. Yong watched incuriously.
                "Before
you go," Retief said to Shinth, "Let's have a little chat about
what's going on here."
                Shinth
responded by attempting to duck, but was promptly knocked down by Yong, who
stood over the frail-looking alien, baring his teeth.
                "I'd
hate to have to bite you, chum," the constable said mildly. "You'd
probably poison me. But if my pal Retief wants to talk to you, you'll have to
stick around." He turned to Retief. "You know this little bug?"
he asked, yawning.
                "He
used to be the Groaci Military Attache at Boneyard V," Retief replied.
                Shinth
hissed and sputtered, twining and untwining his five stemmed eyes with dizzying
effect. Yong stepped back and Retief lifted the outraged Groaci to his feet,
handed him back his dope-stick.
                "Why
the concentration of Glorb troops, here in this backwoods market?" Retief
asked the Groaci. "And what are you doing here, conferring with the
high command? Hardly the place for a peace-loving Groaci diplomat." As the
spindly alien remained silent except for continued muttering, Retief gave him a
slight shake, dislodging several of his jeweled top-three-grade eye-shields.
"Come on Shinth, give," Retief urged.
                "Retief?"
the Groaci burst out. "Surely you, as a fellow diplomat, can't expect me
to divulge information prejudicial to the security of the Groacian state?"
Hastily, Shinth retrieved and adjusted his eye-shields. "Outrageous!"
he commented. "Unhand me at once, Retief; you are aware of course that
this assault will be the object of an Official Inquiry! I daresay even your
truculent Terry AE and MP will
see to it your already glacial advance in rank will be severely
curtailed!"
                "The
security of Groac, eh?" Retief queried. "You must be up to something
bigger than usual. What is it, Shinth? Cooking up a spontaneous demonstration
against Terran interference in Glorbian internal affairs?"
                "Nothing
so banal," Shinth replied