Rocks in the Belly by Jon Bauer Read Free Book Online

in the clouds.
    The simplest, cleanest truths are uncertainties to her now. Her identity slipping from her like she’s locked in a ship’s cabin on high seas, her past sliding along polished tables and falling into pieces on the floor. Everything’s moving for her and she’s staggering about in there trying to hold on — straightening the memories hanging on one wall as they fall from another and smash. Almost familiar faces looking back at her from under broken glass.
    I join her in exposing my throat to the house and looking up at the sky, and it’s the sky off
The Simpsons
, with fleets of perfect-sized clouds making their way eastwards, where the weather goes. One of them looks like a pig with a quiff, leaping slowly over us. This was the family game after it was Robert’s game.
    I look to Mum to show her the pig but her face stops me. ‘What is it?’ I say, and she looks at me without recognition for a second then sniffs, wiping her eyes, glancing from me to the sky and then back again. ‘Is it Robert?’ I ask, and she breaks fully into tears.
    I traipse the distance and hold her, looking over her shoulders as they rock up and down, the smell of her hair reminding me of spying between the balustrades, and of hot baths and tea.
    â€˜But you’ve forgotten so much.’
    Not him though.
    My eyes gaze out from the hug, staring at this familiar garden. This familiar heaviness. Familial. All of it reminding me of that part of myself I’ve worked so hard at leaving behind.
    And it’s frightening, because if it pushed that eight-year-old as far as it did, what am I capable of at twenty-eight.

6
    I don’t tell anyone at school and nobody knows except Mum and Dad, and Robert, but now I have to go to a psychologist. Dad says it’s like a check-up and most boys and girls have one and really it’s just like when the doctor holds your balls and tells you to cough, only it’s your brain.
    This is my first visit and Dad’s taking me. Next week Mum will, so they both get a turn at mending me.
    Robert says they might electrocute my head. I ask Mum and it ends up being the first time Robert’s got in trouble. I like that.
    I’m dressed up ready and my hair done and I’ve got my robot with me to stop me feeling anything. I go to Robert’s room where he is without any food and he calls me a snitch and says I’m crazy.
    â€˜People with bad parents shouldn’t throw stones, Robert.’
    â€˜Look at your bandaged hand, crazy boy. You look like a mad mummy.’
    â€˜WELL, YOU … YOUR MUMMY’S MAD.’
    Dad’s waiting in the car and Mum doesn’t stop Robert and me fighting, just screams until he gets off me. I kick him and run out to Dad, my hand hurting and Mum coming after me with her scary lip.
    She starts shouting at Dad who’s just sitting in the car with theradio talking. From here it sounds like farting in the bath.
    â€˜We’re living in a MADhouse.’
    Dad comes over to talk to her but she just kisses me hard on the forehead and says ‘Be good’ then slams the door so we’re both left on the step like Jehoover’s Witnesses.
    We reverse out of the drive with Dad’s gearbox whining like it always does. It doesn’t like going backwards. Robert has his head at my bedroom window to watch me leave. He isn’t allowed in my room! I squish my face at him as we pull away and he sort of crosses his eyes and pretends he’s getting electrocuted or having a fit.
    Sarah Loe from school had a fit in assembly once and suddenly there was a mess and she was writhing about in her own puddle and Mr Jones held her head and moved everyone away. Mrs Halmer didn’t notice and carried on playing the piano for ages. Mrs Hammer we call her. She’s bad at piano but she’s all we’ve got.
    Dad stops around the corner and I’m already holding the first aid kit and grinning so