Romance by David Mamet Read Free Book Online Page A

our evening; and he
revealed
to me the essential emptiness, not only of
our
life, but of
my
life …
(He cries)
    JUDGE: … come up here …
    B ERNARD: No, NO, I don't deserve affection.
    JUDGE: … sssshhhhhhh …
    B ERNARD: I deserve
nothing …
that's why… time after time …
    JUDGE: Hush …
    B ERNARD: What am I? A hot water bottle … a Trick with his name on the lease …
(Weeps)
    JUDGE: Sshhh. Nothing's that bad …
    B ERNARD: Time after time … Huh. Can I pick ‘em … Your Honor?
    BAILIFF: Y OU mustn't blame yourself.
    JUDGE:
Listen
to the man.
    B ERNARD: Cook, clean, understand when he's too tired to Make Love …
    JUDGE: Sshhh.
    B ERNARD: And who is it, takes care of his mother?
(Pause, cries some more)
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Wait—… excuse me, are they a Bunch of Fags … ?
    B ERNARD: Why why, why,
why
Can't There Be Peace … ?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … are they
queer}
Is that the punch line … ?
    (BERNARD
WeepS.)
    JUDGE: There, there, little fella …
    B ERNARD: … all I ever wanted was to make a
home …
for some
man.
    JUDGE: Sshhh …
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(Generally) These
guys are queer as a v-neck sweater …
    B ERNARD: … wash his
clothes …
each year, the waistband on his shorts gets bigger. Do
I
complain … ?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(TO
HIMSELF) … they're a Bunch of
Fags…
    PROSECUTOR: Objection.
    (BERNARD
WeepS.)
    JUDGE: I had a dream the other night. Of a clean land, untroubled by pollution. Untroubled by strife. With liberty and with compassion for
all
its citizens. A land administered by people of good faith and self-respect, which stood as an Example To The Nations. Which reached out to them. And stilledtheir torment with aid: with food, with medicine, with love and understanding.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … Your Honor …
    JUDGE: And then this Big Fat Fucking
Dinosaur
came by and
stomped
everybody into moosh.
{Pause)
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … Your Honor …
    JUDGE: I think he came from Japan.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: There exists …
    JUDGE: I
believe
his size was the result of nuclear testing.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The possibility of bringing Peace to the Middle East.
    JUDGE: But I don't remember how the dinosaur got there in the first place.
    PROSECUTOR: He was a lizard, begging Your Honor's pardon, from the Pet Shop.
    JUDGE: … what was he doing in my dream?
    PROSECUTOR: It wasn't a dream, it was a movie.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … Your Honor …
    JUDGE: It was a
movie}
    PROSECUTOR: Yes, Your Honor.
    JUDGE: I S it hot in here, or is it just me?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor: As we speak, two great World Leaders, as we speak, are engaged in this historic conference. Have met, in Good Faith, we believe. To attempt to settle the strife in the Middle East. We have devised a plan, which we feel, if it could be represented to them, would bring about that blessed result.
    PROSECUTOR: And what
is
this plan?
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
(TO
DEFENDANT) Tell them, (DEFENDANT
mumbles)
… go on … (DEFENDANT
mumbles. A pause)
Your Honor, my client believes, and has demonstrated to me, how a simple readjustment of that which very well may prove to be the fifth lumbar vertebra, may, THROUGH A DECREASE IN THE SUBDURAL MFFMFF, RESTORE MENTAL BALANCE TO THE LEADERS AND, through them, to the populace of the Mddle East.
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, the case before this court…
    JUDGE: I know the case before this court. What do you think I am, Deaf? I'm not deaf.
(To
BAILIFF) I'm notdeaf am I, because then I couldn't hear myself.
(To self)
Mooooo … Mooo … Mooo …
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, I've taken the liberty of asking a physician …
    JUDGE: The
question
is: Was Shakespeare a Jew?
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor … ?
    JUDGE: Or was he a Normal Human Being?
(To
B ERNARD) My golly you smell good.
    B ERNARD: Thank you, Your Honor.
    JUDGE: Call me Danny …
    B ERNARD: Thank you, Danny. You're a Nice Man.
    JUDGE: Oh, hush. Because I want to tell you: You bring Peace to the Middle East, and you're gonna look back on it as one of the Proudest Days of