Romance by David Mamet Read Free Book Online

police car and escort to take these two gentlemen to present their petition to the Peace Conference. And now: By the power vested in me, yes to exercise compassion, it gives me great pleasure, to, as per my judicial prerogative, and for the purposes of world peace, to release the …
    B ERNARD:
(Enters with a large suitcase. Unable to see, he addresses the air squinting)
YOU LYING SWINE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING AT
YO UR
MOTHER'S FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS. THE QUICHE IS COLD, THE CAPRESE SALAD'S HOT, SHE AND I HAVE, AS YOU KNOW, NOTHING IN COMMON SAVE OUR HISTORY OF BABYING
YOU
, YOU DECEITFUL, FORGETFUL, FAT, SLOVENLY…
    JUDGE: … who is he talking to … ?
    B ERNARD: … UNGRATEFUL …
    JUDGE: … ‘cause, if he's talking to me, that's contempt.
    BERNARD: …
OLD …
    JUDGE: I'm
sure
of that…
    B ERNARD: WHERE
IS
HE? WHERE
IS
HE?
    PROSECUTOR: Put your contacts in.
    B ERNARD: Where
is
he?
    PROSECUTOR:
Put your contacts in.
    B ERNARD: I cannot “put my contacts in” as I have been weeping a river of tears and they will not “go” in.
    PROSECUTOR: Bunny …
    JUDGE: Did you say you wanted to “crick their
neck”}
    B ERNARD: And now I'm weeping in front of your friends. Perhaps you'd introduce me …
    PROSECUTOR: I …
    B ERNARD: … or are you ashamed of me … ? You ashamed of me in front of your Straight Friends? “Oh, Honey … did you
come
yet…?”
    JUDGE: What's wrong with asking that?
    B ERNARD: … if you have to
ask …
    JUDGE: I always thought it was
polite …
    B ERNARD: Of course you did.
(To
PROSECUTOR) And you might ask: What is this?
This
is a
suitcase.
What's in it, you wonder …
    PROSECUTOR: Bernard …
    B ERNARD: Oooh, our
life
together … oh …
    PROSECUTOR: Bernard …
    B ERNARD: You wouldn't even take my
call…
    PROSECUTOR: I'm trying a
case.
    B ERNARD: Oh, bullshit.
    PROSECUTOR: I'm trying a
case, can't you see that:
    B ERNARD: Don't you use that tone with me.
    PROSECUTOR: Buns.
    B ERNARD: Don't you “Buns” me, you … you … words fail me … 7 don't know. You try to be a
helpmate.
You try to Care … you hope there is a God. Who sees you … who?
{He dissolves in tears. Pause)
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. There exists, today only, the, perhaps the last best hope to bring Peace to the Middle East. My client and I, though of Different Faiths …
    B ERNARD: OH, FUCK
YOU.
HOW CAN YOU HAVE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHEN YOU CAN'T HAVE PEACE IN YOUR
HOME
… ?
    JUDGE: … you know, you're right…
    B ERNARD:
(Pointing at
PROSECUTOR) Tell
him
that. Tell him. He's the one that should be on Trial…
    PROSECUTOR: … Bunny…
    B ERNARD: He
abused
me, he was
cruel
to me, and then, when I went home to
mother
, what was his responsibility?
    JUDGE and DEFENDANT and DEFENSE ATTORNEY: To come after you.
    B ERNARD: You're goddamn
right
to COME AFTER ME, which is the one,
inviolable
law.
    JUDGE: He's right.
    B ERNARD: In anticipation of which, I made a quiche, a
quiche
offering. When
he
was in the wrong.
    JUDGE: Huh.
    B ERNARD: AND IT'S
HIS
GODDAMN
MOTHER.
    (All mumble.)
    JUDGE:
(TO
PROSECUTOR) That's some fella you've got yourself then …
    B ERNARD: I want to make a complaint: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: This is the most irregular …
    B ERNARD: I ACCUSE …
(Holds up the legal pad he has pulled from his suitcase)
    JUDGE: … but-what-the-hell…
    B ERNARD:
I ACCUSE THATMAN
OF
…(He consults his legal pad.)
    PROSECUTOR: Bunny, I'm trying to
work
here …
    B ERNARD: … of boorishness.
(Peers at the pad)
    PROSECUTOR: Bun …
    B ERNARD: … I'm not done … And a lack of sensitivity.
    JUDGE:
(TO
PROSECUTOR) If this is true, you have a
lot
to answer for …
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …
    JUDGE: T O have the love of a fine young man …
    B ERNARD: Thank you, Your Honor …
    JUDGE: And to … what?
What
did he do … ?
    B ERNARD: He ruined the ROASTING PAN.
(Takes roasting pan from suitcase. Puts it on bench)
    JUDGE: … this pan is fine.
    B ERNARD: He ruined the
roast
… I cleaned it with baking soda. He ruined