Room Service by Frank Moorhouse Read Free Book Online Page B

was formed twelve years ago). They kept the whole hotel awake singing ‘Moon River’.
    On the train trip to Guiling he took out a pack of cards and went ‘looking for some action’. We did not see him for sixteen hours and we heard that he taught poker to the attendants and won from them the equivalent of their year’s wages. When we remonstrated with him about this he said: ‘That’s what I call cultural exchange.’
    His business card is supposed to be ‘amusing’ but leaves much to be desired in the area of good taste. Loosely translated, it says something like ‘Master of Jig Jig’.
    Enclosed is a recording of a ‘cultural exchange’ Blase had with a Mr Cao in Beijing, which we submit as supporting evidence:
    â€˜Tell me, Mr Cao, in our country we have a saying that the hunter must know the animal he stalks. Do you think that is the purpose of cultural exchange? Is that what our leaders have in mind?’
    The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and then replies in Chinese.
    Guide: Mr Cao says yes, we too hunt in the outer provinces. The peasants hunt for hare.
    Blase: I do some hunting myself. Do you need a licence to own a gun in China?
    Mr Cao laughs and replies.
    Guide: Mr Cao says that in our country we have a saying: ‘The dogs bark, the caravan moves on.’ Do you have such a saying?
    Blase: We say that the dog that does not bark may still bite. I see very few dogs in your country. I believe they are eaten.
    The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and replies. Guide: Mr Cao says that in your country he believes dogs are raced for amusement.
    Blase: Does Mr Cao eat dogs?
    The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and replies. Guide: Mr Cao says it is too early to eat, but if you are hungry he will buy an ice on the stick. Do you have ice on the stick in your country?
    Blase: We have 200 varieties of ice on the stick, including one called Dracula’s Blood.
    The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and replies. Guide: Mr Cao says we have a folk tale called the IceFairy in which a young man falls in love with a beautiful woman, not knowing that she is made of ice. In the spring … But it is a long story and a sad story. We do not have time.
    Blase: We have women made of ice in our country. The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and replies. Guide: Mr Cao is surprised you have ice in your country. We believe it to be desert.
    Blase: We have mountains on the coast. But there is much desert and it could not support a large population – if a large population suddenly were to come there. What calibre shot gun does Mr Cao have?
    The Guide translates. Mr Cao laughs and replies. Guide: Mr Cao says he owns a 12-gauge Winchester over and under. He says why don’t we stop this faeces about folk tales and iron ore production and grab a couple of dozen cold cans and go shoot everything that moves in the forest.
    Blase: Tell Mr Cao that suits me fine.
    Mr Blase and Mr Cao then left the party and refused to rejoin it for the completion of the day’s itinerary. They allegedly shot beer cans in the Forest of International Harmony.
    We recommend that Francois Blase not represent Australia on any further delegations. If the Department receives letters approving of Mr Blase from Mr Cao, the Jolly Cooks, the Jumps From the Spring Board Performers or the juvenile lead of the HangzhouOpera, we suggest they be evaluated in the light of this report.
    Â 
    (signed) Leader of the Delegation

The Anti-Art of Travelling
    I met the Systematic Traveller in the bar of the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque.
    I’d been there for a day or so, in the bar.
    â€˜These things are essential, Blase,’ he said, ‘inanimate experience in the mornings – museums and monuments – where you don’t have to deal with people and when there is little crowd at things. Never call up people in the morning – no one likes a stranger in the morning.’
    It was certainly true