Room Service by Frank Moorhouse Read Free Book Online

in magnificent scenery, Blase at least knew his protocol.
    Consequently, Blase went to his first banquet in his elegant Mao jacket and cap and with a pocketful of cheap kangaroo pins and was devastated when the Chinese turned up in dinner suits. They were also a bit drunk, slapped everyone on the back, threw food at each other, kissed him on the mouth, grabbed his genitals at every occasion and asked not too subtly for gifts, including automobiles and motorbikes.
    He was offered sex, and the party did not stop ten minutes after the hot towels, but went on into the early hours. Later they all crept into an army barracks and stole a People’s Liberation Army flag.
    Next day in the bar of the Jing Jiang Club, recovering from his hangover, Blase, in his food-stained Mao jacket and cap, asked his Guide what had gone wrong. Blase had a profound sense of cultural confusion. The Guide was still drunk and they had shaken off the rest of the delegation, who were wandering lost in the alleys of Shanghai.
    At first the Guide wouldn’t explain, but after being given a Chinese burn he revealed that the Chinese, too,had been briefed on protocol for handling Australians. The Guide gave Blase a translation.
    Australians are easy-going about time and punctuality and consider it over-conscientious to be on time. To be late is to protest against despotic employers.
    Australian men like to dress up in dinner suits as a way of aping their former aristocratic rulers. Australians enjoy physical contact and there are hotels in Australian cities where men go to kiss other men and hold hands; likewise women. This is becoming the custom.
    Australians like to tip and give gifts as a way of showing their generosity, as a way of rewarding good service and as a way of aiding poor nations.
    Australians like to break time-honoured rules and customs as a way of showing their independence from the chains of the past – for example, climbing to the top of a sacred monument and placing a beer can there, stealing a Chinese flag from an army barracks, diving into ponds and trying to catch century-old goldfish. This is called Larri-kin-ism.
    Australians are accustomed to indulging their sexual appetites at every available opportunity, especially while travelling in other countries, which is considered to be a ‘holiday from marriage’. Singsong girls should be found for Australian males and Chinese studs for Australian women.
    Australians like to make jokes at each other, which is called ‘taking the mick-ie’. Australian men sometimes grab each other’s genitals as a gesture of comradeship known as Goo-sing.
    Australian women like to take off their tops at every opportunity for sunbathing and prefer not to wear bras. But Chinese men should practise the Three Nos laid down by the last People’s Congress – ‘No staring, No touching and No funny business’.
    Australian language is rich in animal imagery and so they say horsing around, goo-sing, snake in the pocket, no bull-defecation and they like to go on what they call pussy hunts. Australians become angry if they think that a person is bull-defecating.
    Australians are artistic people who sometimes build elaborate sculptures from beer bottles or beer cans while drinking. They will sometimes take the Guide’s hat and throw it around, one to the other, but this must be seen as a need to release excess energy from a high-protein diet and short working week.
    Australian men are also forever fly-checking. This is not a sexual gesture but an old horse-riding custom to reassure themselves that no injury has befallen that part.
    Australian men may be observed smelling bicycle seats because, as a nation of horsemen (see film, The Man from Snowy River ), the smell of the bicycle seat reminds them of the saddle of the horse back home, which they miss.
    Souveniring: Australians come from a penal colony and, as a remembrance of their ancestors, still like to practise