Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays by Jill Smokler Read Free Book Online Page B

house for exactly thirty seconds before getting back to some serious Christmas business.
    81.  Get tree stand and floor mat from the massive piles of holiday decor in guest bedroom.
    82.  Set up tree stand and floor mat in family room.
    83.  Return to garage.
    84.  Drag nine-foot-tall tree by yourself through the garage, up the steps, down the hall, through the kitchen and down the steps to the family room.
    85.  Take a deeeeep breath and heave the tree upright into the stand all on your own.
    86.  Do all sorts of funky yoga poses while turning the mile-long tree stand screws into the tree so it doesn’t fall through the bay window/into the fireplace/onto your frail and exhausted body.
    87.  Shove the tree into the center of the room, cutting off all netting.
    88.  Tentatively poke at tree a couple times to ensure it is stable.
    89.  Water tree.
    90.  Sweep.
    91.  Sweep more.
    92.  Remember how much you hate pine needles.
    93.  Again with the sweeping.
    94.  Take a shower, scraping sap off on your hands and brushing pine needles from your hair.
    95.  Pull out all the tree lights. Think, Screw it, lights will wait until morning .
    96.  Watch Bravo.
    97.  Go to bed.
    98.  Wake up pretty darn sore.
    99.  Shower, prep breakfast, get the kids’ school backpacks ready, lay out their clothes, write down your to-do list.
    100.  Get the kids out of bed.
    101.  Crankily rub aching lower back while following the kids downstairs to the kitchen.
    102.  Be stopped in your grumbly tracks by their momentary silent awe as they first see the Christmas tree all set up.
    103.  Almost get knocked over when hit with two running hugsfrom delighted kids.
    104.  Grin genuinely ear to ear thinking about how much fun this is.
    105.  Wrap half a dozen strings of lights around tree without falling off ladder.
    106.  Let the kids hang a big box full of ornaments you love dearly and have had for years, barely cringing whenever (yet another) one crashes to the hardwood floor.
    107.  Crank up the holiday song mix you created and dance while your little elves put their finishing touches on the most beautiful tree you’ve ever seen.
    108.  Even if all the ornaments only go about a quarter of the way up.
    109.  Forget about the sore back, the sappy hands, the mild hangover, the pine needles, the lights that need to be hung outside, the shopping list, the enormous Christmas to-do list hovering over your head, and the general state of disarray of the house around you and only see a sweet rosy flush of excitement on the two most important people in the world as they bask in the simple joy of the holiday season.

21

    SUCK IT, SANTA
    by Julie Lay
    Dear Santa,
    We need to talk. Your fat jolly ass is really becoming a pain in mine. In order to keep up the ruse of you existing and all, I am being held hostage to a toddler’s irrational demands.
    You see, whenever we enter the holy land that is Target nowadays, every awesome shiny thing up in there becomes something we should “ask Santa for.” And if I don’t pony up said shiny things from “Santa” on Christmas Day, my daughter’s childhood will be ruined and she will be doomed to a life of working the pole.
    All because of you.
    Well, Santa, your ass owes me money. A lot of money. And I am booking a flight straight to the North Pole to collect.
    You see, Santa, we both know that you are a deadbeat mythical figure, but my doe-eyed toddler doesn’t. She thinks that you are all magical and shit and that you can fart Cookie Monster keyboards and Barbie dolls.
    I, on the other hand, know that you are just another wayfor our kids to milk us for even more plastic crap under the guise of “holiday spirit.” I’m just lucky that my kids don’t know the wonder of the iPod touch or Wii U yet. Now, that is some naughty shit, Santa. Also, because you are too lazy to make an appearance