Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays by Jill Smokler Read Free Book Online Page A

they will not get a Christmas tree, or presents, or joy.
    35.  Silently pray you don’t have to actually follow through onthat.
    36.  Feel a twinge of guilt asking two old dudes to heave some nine-foot-tall trees up so you can inspect them before choosing one. The trees. Not the old dudes.
    37.  Endure the sobs of your five-year-old, who is insisting he“HATE that tree, MAMA” and wants one of the stacked and bound trees not on display.
    38.  Watch three-year-old try to spear herself with a wrought iron tree stand.
    39.  Act all excited about the tree you’ve chosen in an attempt to round up unruly kids, asking old guys to hold it up to take a photo of the kids in front of it.
    40.  Watch the kids both start crying and yelling that they want different trees while running in opposite directions.
    41.  Tell the frightened old dudes, “We’ll take it.” Force smile.
    42.  Watch five-year-old stop crying quickly enough to maneuver himself behind the high school volunteers who are now trying to chainsaw the tree trunk.
    43.  Grab five-year-old.
    44.  Lose sight of three-year-old (again).
    45.  See friends coming.
    46.  Find three-year-old when she dashes from behind a display of Douglas firs to join her friends.
    47.  Finally see the kids cheer up when all four of them start making fun of you in unison.
    48.  Walk away from annoying kids to pay for tree.
    49.  Try not to pass out at the price of a nine-foot Christmas tree.
    50.  Distract kids with piles of leaves while high school boys take foooooreeeeeveeer to tie the tree to the roof of the truck.
    51.  Tell the kids, “It’s time to get in the truck!” and watch three-year-old refuse to go home with you.
    52.  Have no problem allowing friend to drive three-year-old in her car back to your house because she’s a pain in the ass anyway. The three-year-old. Not the friend.
    53.  Get five-year-old in truck.
    54.  Watch high school boys climbing all over car, seeming unsure of what they are doing.
    55.  Offer to help.
    56.  Be told,“I totally know what I’m doin’, man.”
    57.  Contemplate the meaning of being called a man, again. Make New Year’s resolution to not get mistaken for a man.
    58.  Accidentally give the high schoolers the $20 bill instead of the $10 when tipping.
    59.  Curse under your breath in the car about the ridiculous overtip.
    60.  Have five-year-old with apparent supersonic hearing ask what that word just meant.
    61.  Tell him it was an accident. “We don’t say that word.”
    62.  Have him tell you, “But you just did.”
    63.  Change the topic.
    64.  Drive home.
    65.  Open garage door remotely, almost pulling in with a tree on your roof.
    66.  Slam on brakes so as to not crush newly purchased tree or garage door trim.
    67.  Park car in driveway, wait for friend to meet you there.
    68.  Go directly into the house for wine with your friend—I mean, to let the kids play or whatever.
    69.  Eat, drink, play, drink, eat more, chat, let the kids play more—oops, did we almost finish that whole bottle of red wine?
    70.  Break out some serious gingerbread man decorating skills.
    71.  See that it’s time for your friend to head home.
    72.  Ask her to watch kids for a minute.
    73.  Walk out to the driveway with shears in hand.
    74.  Cut off the ties on the tree, climb up on rear bumper, and yank with all your might and 160 pounds of pure aggravation to get tree off the truck’s roof.
    75.  Wonder whether the tree actually weighs more than you.
    76.  Be glad the driveway light isn’t working so none of your neighbors can see you making an ass out of yourself in public, again.
    77.  Drag tree into garage.
    78.  Send off your friend.
    79.  Bathe kids, dress kids, read to kids, kiss kids, tuck kids in.
    80.  Soak up the silence of the