Schizo by Nic Sheff Read Free Book Online

time.
    â€œI’m serious, Miles.”
    â€œYeah, so am I,” I tell her. I look up at my mom’s weathered face. “You don’t have to worry.”
    I take another bite of sandwich. That is the truth. Only I don’t know how to explain it to my mom so she’ll understand.
    How could I ever let myself get involved in any kind of romantic relationship when Teddy is still out there, missing, and it is my fault? How could I ever let myself have any kind of happiness?
    No, until Teddy is found, I’ll never be able to move on with my own life.
    None of us will.
    Our whole family is trapped in a state of perpetual suspended animation.
    We are frozen, waiting.
    And what will save us? What will allow us to start living again?
    Finding Teddy.
    That is all.
    My mom sips her coffee.
    And that’s when it hits me.
    Something has to be done.
    And I think, for the first time, that I’m the one who has to do it.
    Teddy is out there. It’s up to me to bring him home.
    There’s a voice whispering through my mind—like sunlight shining in, like the ocean swelling around me, like the world has broken wide-open and I am standing at the very center of the universe.
    I am the one.
    I have to find him.
    And I will.

9.
    OUR JUNIOR CLASS IS a lot bigger than our grade school class used to be, but it’s still super small compared with most high schools, and there really isn’t any way to avoid running into someone you don’t want to see.
    Inexplicably, though, I managed to make it through two whole days before seeing Eliza again.
    But today we’re having a whole-school assembly, so I know I won’t be able to avoid it.
    We all file in together to the newly remodeled auditorium. I sit next to Preston and Jackie, but they’re busy looking meaningfully into each other’s eyes, so they don’t even seem to notice me as I scan the room—looking for Eliza.
    And then I see her.
    She walks in by herself.
    Her hair is even darker than I remember, black and full and layered. She’s wearing ripped jeans tucked into calf-length boots, a gray cardigan sweater, and a loose-fitting T-shirt. She is tall and thin and beautiful.
    I watch as she takes a seat at the front, seemingly oblivious to the rest of the herd moving past her. Preston leans in close to me.
    â€œDude, stare much?”
    I’m startled a little by his sudden attention.
    â€œWhat? I’m not staring at anyone.”
    He laughs. “Yeah, right.”
    I breathe and hold the air in my lungs before exhaling all at once as I ask him, “Well, have you talked to her?”
    â€œUh, yeah,” he says, averting his eyes. “I did real quick. Sorry, man, I couldn’t help it.”
    My stomach knots up, and I keep glancing down at the place where Eliza is sitting. It really does seem like the more you try not to think about something, the more that ends up being the only fucking thing you
can
think about. That’s the way it is with Eliza. In spite of myself, and all my intentions, I can’t help but want to know.
    â€œDid she ask about me?”
    Preston coughs and looks over at Jackie. “Yeah, a little.”
    â€œWhat did she say?”
    â€œI don’t know, man. She asked about you.”
    â€œReally?”
    â€œYeah, it seems like she maybe wants to apologize or something. Like she realized how fucked up she was being to you.”
    Great,
I think,
so she feels sorry for me. That’s exactly what I fucking need.
But what I say is, “Nah, man, she doesn’t need to do that.”
    Preston shakes his head. “Hell yes, she does. But if I were you, I might give it some time. I don’t want anything . . . you know . . . bad to happen.”
    There’s a heat swelling in my brain. I wish that everyone would stop worrying about me. I’m not some total invalid.
    But what I say is, “Of course, man. Forget it. I really don’t