Screw the Universe by Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny Read Free Book Online Page B

Frosty, looking down, “but could we get back to the matter at hand?”
     
    “Your boobs?”
     
    “No,” replied the snowman. “Your imminent demise.”
     
    “By your boobs?” asked the captain.
     
    “You really aren’t going to let this go, are you?”
     
    “Not anytime soon.”
     
    Frosty wiped the extra snow off his chest.
     
    “There. No more boobs.”
     
    “Fine.” Captain Tyler frowned. “What was that about your demise or dinner or whatever?”
     
    “No. Yours.”
     
    “That’s what I said,” asserted the captain.
     
    “No, I’m actually referring to your demise.”
     
    “I don’t even know where mine is. Is it my anus?”
     
    “No? What? The hell are you…?” Frosty looked around at the rest of the crew. “Is he always like this?”
     
    Everyone on the bridge nodded. Including Captain Tyler.
     
    “So?” asked Tyler.
     
    “Right,” said Frosty. “Your imminent demise.”
     
    “The fuck I am! I’m Captain Oswald Van Vanderhoort Pan Tyler.”
     
    “Van Tyler,” corrected First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    “Right. What Quackballs said. I’m not this Imminent Demise person you speak of.”
     
    “Imminent demise isn’t a person, it’s your fate,” said Frosty. “I’m going to kill you. When I say ‘imminent demise’ I am, in fact, referring to your swift and approaching death.”
     
    “Which one?”
     
    “What?”
     
    “I died, like, twice last week. I think I was dead this morning, technically. Which one are you talking about?”
     
    “I am talking about your death at my hands.”
     
    “I don’t... I don’t think I died by your hands yet,” said Captain Tyler, turning toward the crew. “Private Boxershorts, pull up the spreadsheet. Have I died by snow hands yet?”
     
    “Doesn’t look like it,” said Private Kim Boxershorts.
     
    “Didn’t think so,” replied the captain. He returned his attention to Frosty the Snowman. “I think you’re wrong, Frosto. None of my deaths appear to have been at your hands.”
     
    “Well, not yet.”
     
    “Right.”
     
    “I don’t think you get what I’m saying.”
     
    “I don’t think you get what I’m saying.”
     
    “Yeah, I definitely don’t,” replied Frosty the Snowman, quickly adding, “What the hell are you doing in this sector? Aside from murdering my subordinates, I mean.”
     
    “I hijacked my ship to go steal Cadbury Creme Eggs from the Easter Bunny,” explained Captain Tyler.
     
    The rest of the crew stared at him. This was news to them.
     
    “I thought we were on a supply mission,” said Private Redshirt.
     
    “Nope. Eggs.”
     
    “Then why did we fill the cargo bay with accordions and ukuleles?” asked Private Beef.
     
    “All part of my cunning deceit.”
     
    “You hijacked your own ship for Easter candy,” said Frosty the Snowman.
     
    “I did, yes.”
     
    “I’m going to have to kill you now, you realize,” said the snowman.
     
    “Why? They’re not your eggs.”
     
    “Actually, they are. I’m in charge of Holidays Orchestrated, the guild of mythical holiday creatures. And any attempt to steal HO products or services without payment or otherwise tamper with what we got going on is punishable by death.”
     
    “That seems a bit harsh,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    “We thought so, too,” said Frosty, “but those were the terms set by your Federation. They were intractable. So we are now legally obligated to murder you.”
     
    “Like fun you are!” replied Captain Tyler.
     
    “Nice knowing you.”
     
    The View-Matic 7000 went dark and the Zdravo started to move.
     
    “Sir,” said Private Anthony Darkpinkshirt, “it appears that we’re stuck in a tractor beam. Frosty seems to be pulling us in.”
     
    “Bow chicka bow wow,” said Captain Tyler.
     
    “He didn’t mean into his body,” added the computer. “Jackass.”
     
    “Oh, I knew that,” mumbled the captain. He lifted his welding mask. “Pinky! Update my status,