Screw the Universe by Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny Read Free Book Online

to trundle off-stage, collapsing as soon as he was behind the curtain.
     
    Drs. Porniviriyakul and Sodomy walked over to the body, joined by Marshal Orr. The marshal tilted his head and scratched his chin.
     
    “You know,” he said, “I think that was his best apology yet.”
     

     

Miranda, Interrupted
     
    The Bane of Private Bloodredshirt
     

     

     

     
    Miranda Bloodredshirt was born in a quiet, rural town in northern Oregon. As a child, she had always dreamed of one day becoming a crew member aboard a Federation starship, of having adventures, visiting exotic places, and dutifully working her way up the ranks in an average and unremarkable timeframe. Sadly, though, things were not looking good for Miranda, for, one fateful day, her dear, sweet mother, Helen, walked into the kitchen and, dripping with honey, sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter.
     
    “Sweetie,” said Helen, “I have some bad news. Our harvest this year, it’s just... it’s just not going to be enough.”
     
    “Oh, no, you mean –”
     
    “Yes, I’m afraid that you won’t be able to attend the academy after all.”
     
    “But, mother, you –”
     
    “I know,” she said softly. “I know.”
     
    “What if I –”
     
    It was at this point that Miranda’s mother was mauled to death by an overlarge and uncommonly ferocious Venusian Honey Badger.
     

     

     

Stuff Your Stocking
     
    Mission 58008 - 028
     

     

     

     
    The Zdravo was moseying through the galaxy, her cargo bay full of accordions and ukuleles, on a routine supply mission to Planet Knutpünch, when the bridge View-Matic 7000 monitor suddenly lit up with the face of Santa Claus.
     
    “Now what the crap is this, ninja?!” roared Santa Claus.
     
    “You’ll have to be more specific,” said Captain Tyler, sitting directly opposite the screen, sans shorts and wearing a welder’s mask. Privates Angus Beef and Kim Boxershorts stood behind him, wearing nothing but shorts, and holding an assortment of fruit. Private Beef appeared to be weeping slightly.
     
    “Yeah, guess I will, huh?” said Santa Claus, raising an eyebrow. “All yo’ crazy-ass... whatever it is you’s doin’ aside, what the shit is you doing in HO space? ‘Specially this close to Christmas! I’s extremely busy!”
     
    “Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the crew, but I appear to be passing copious amounts of gas out of my pooper.”
     
    “I’m... I’m sorry? You... what?”
     
    Captain Tyler turned, aimed his ass at the viewscreen, and farted – well, sharted is probably more accurate – in response.
     
    “Oh, that’s it,” replied the jolly old elf. “Shit is ON NOW, son!”
     
    Santa Claus pressed a single button and fired a thousand poison-tipped candy canes from his orbiting Planetary Ornament of Death at the Zdravo.
     
    “Computer! Evasive maneuvers!” shouted the captain, tearing off his welding mask. “Tell everyone to get to their stations. Especially Private Parts!”
     
    “Oswald,” replied the computer, “you do know that Private Peter Parts doesn’t actually –”
     
    “Bitch! I will have none of your sass-mouth. I’m beginning to think upgrading your voice-modulator to ‘Ex-Girlfriend’ was a mistake. Make sure Parts is pedaling like a motherfucker! We need this beast to be speedy!”
     
    “That –”
     
    “SPEEDY!”
     
    The computer sighed. “Right away, sir.”
     
    “Full power to the starboard thrusters!” shouted Captain Tyler.
     
    “Sir,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts, at the same time buckling the belt of his battle shorts and running onto the bridge, “I don’t think that’s necessary! You do realize the candy canes are tiny and moving very slowly, right?”
     
    “Nope,” replied the captain.
     
    The ship rocketed sideways, throwing the crew to the other side of the ship. Hard. Things and people were broken. Mostly people, though.
     
    “Continue evasive maneuvers!” bellowed Captain Tyler.