Sellevision by Augusten Burroughs Read Free Book Online

the guy back.
    At least on paper, he had a great sense of humor: “I assure you, I’m not a psycho who pulled the legs off ants as a child, nor do I have any outstanding arrest warrants. At least in this state.”
    Plus, they seemed to like some of the same things. “I’ve been known to get a little teary-eyed at sappy movies, scream my lungs out at football games, and once in a blue moon put on a tux, head to Manhattan, and listen to fat people sing in a language I don’t understand: i.e., opera. I treat common sense as a spice and I love to travel.”
    “He’s probably married or really short or has very bad breath.” And with that, Bebe set about writing him a little note in return.
    Afterward, she logged on to Ebay to see if any of her bids had been accepted for the classic Leica M3 rangefinder camera, the antique silver hairbrush, or the bronze swan garden loveseat.

    “M
    oist towellette?” the flight attendant asked Max, presenting him with a plastic tray piled with steaming, freshly microwaved cloths.
    “Uh, yeah, sure, thanks,” he said, taking one of the towels, unfolding it, and pressing it against his face. It smelled fresh, like lemon. Like new things about to happen. Beneath the cloth, he was smiling. He still couldn’t believe he was actually en route to an interview with the E-Z Shop Channel.
    His agent, Laurie, had called two days ago to ask him if he’d seen the current issue of The National Enquirer .
    Sarcastically, he’d answered, “Yeah, it’s sitting right here on top of my Scientific American , I just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet.”
    Laurie then went on to inform him that on page four there was a large color picture of him from the Slumber Sunday incident, a black box over his crotch and a headline that read SELLEVISION HOST SLIPS OUT, GETS OUSTED .
    Yet despite the tabloid article, E-Z Shop Channel was still interested in meeting him. After all, they were paying for the flight, the hotel room, even his meals.
    “As a matter of fact,” Laurie had told him, “I think it might even work in your favor. They need all the publicity they can get.”
    So be it. If his penis was responsible for getting him fired in the first place, it was only fair that it should help him secure a new and better job. Besides, E-Z Shop was located in Florida. And he had to admit, Florida wasn’t such a bad place to live. There was South Beach, after all. And he almost had the abs for it. Plus, he wouldn’t have to deal with those frigid northern winters anymore. And maybe he’d finally meet somebody, settle down. A nice, sun-bleached Florida guy who was really sweet and wholesome. And didn’t read The National Enquirer . Sure, the E-Z Shop wasn’t as classy as Sellevision, but then again, it beat the hell out of radio .
    “Ladies and Gentlemen, in preparation for landing, please make sure that your tray table is stowed and that your seat back is in its upright position.” The flight attendant looked directly at Max when he said this.
    He tightened the belt around his lap and peered out the window. The plane seemed to hover just above the tops of palm trees as it came in for the landing.
    As he exited the aircraft, Max noticed that the forty-something pilot did a double take when he saw him. The pilot stared for a moment and then glanced at Max’s crotch before smiling and whispering something into the copilot’s ear. Max assumed he was being paranoid, but after stepping onto the exit ramp, he turned around. The pilot, copilot, and flight attendant were all looking at him, smirking. The obviously gay male flight attendant was at least covering his grin with his fingers.

To: [email protected]
Fr: [email protected]
Subject: Gee, thanks.
Peggy Jean,
I know you’re a busy woman with a demanding career and three young children who no doubt receives more than her fair share of “fan mail” but I have to tell you that I was a little hurt that you couldn’t find the time to send