Seriously... I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres Read Free Book Online Page A

my show is that I tape it a day in advance of it airing on television. So when you’re watching my show, let’s say on a Wednesday, it’s actually Tuesday for me. Your today is always my tomorrow and your yesterday is my today. Your last night is my tonight and your tomorrow is my two-days-from-now. But American Idol is always live. So I think you see what I’m saying. I never knew what day it was or where the hell I was.
    To accommodate my schedule during Idol , we would tape my talk show at 2:30 instead of 4:00. That way we ended at 3:30 and I could jump in my car and drive across town to the Idol studios. It was always very stressful to get there on time since it’s a live show, but luckily I’m pretty good at maneuvering through traffic. You just have to drive on the less-crowded streets. Well, not streets. Sidewalks.
    Once I got to Idol , I would change out of my daytime talk show host outfit (casual chic), change into my prime-time outfit (judge’s robe), and get prime-time hair and makeup (powdered wig, sex kitten eyes, etc.). Then I’d run onstage for the five o’clock show. Everyone there seemed to have a very busy schedule, and I assume that’s why Simon never had time to button his shirt up all the way.
    As hectic as my schedule was, the bottom line is that I don’t like judging people and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. That was the hardest part of being on that show for me. It was always easy for me to sit at home in my pajamas and critique performances, but when I was sitting at that judges’ table ten feet away from kids who have put their heart and soul into the competition and they’re staring at me hoping I’ll say something nice and Simon’s sitting next to me caressing my leg under the table, it was just difficult. I felt awful saying anything negative, so sometimes I would end up saying things like, “That was great” when really I wanted to say, “Uh-oh.”
    And I know there’s such a thing as constructive criticism, but to me that’s still criticism. It’s just criticism with a jaunty hat. You’re still hurting people’s feelings, and I don’t like it. I don’t do it on my talk show. I don’t do it in life. I just don’t do it.
    One of the reasons I didn’t like giving criticism was that a lot of the contestants felt as if Idol was the end of the road. If they were eliminated, they thought it was all over. But that isn’t the case. One of the good things about being there was that I got to tell them that there’s a lot more waiting for them outside of Idol . In fact, the next day I had each contestant on my talk show, where I introduced them to a whole other audience, and I loved being able to do that.
    It’s the same with every career and life decision. You just have to keep driving down the road. It’s going to bend and curve and you’ll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going. For me, I made a pit stop at Idol ; it was exciting, and I’m grateful for the opportunity. But then I decided it was best for me to move on. So I got back in my hovercraft and I kept going down the road. Now I have my own record label and I can discover and nurture new talent, and that feels great.
    And I’m still a huge fan of Idol . I watch it every single week. It’s a great panel. Randy’s been there from the very beginning. He’s experienced and honest. There’s the glamorous diva with the pretty hair and the jewelry and the gorgeous makeup. And then there’s Jennifer Lopez, who doesn’t look so bad herself. I love watching, and I’m happier now that I get to watch at home on my sofa with Portia and the only thing I have to judge is Portia’s cooking. (That’s just a joke! It’s always delicious.)

Common Courtesy

    I am never late. In fact, I’m usually early. This is partly because I believe in respecting other people’s time, and partly because I forgot to turn my watch back after I went to Europe one summer. In a recent highly scientific study I