Shadow by Karin Alvtegen Read Free Book Online Page A

her resistance had brought him to the edge of insanity. It was like throwing himself into a whirlpool. Everything about her intensified his ardour. He always wanted to be near her, to know what she was thinking when she was silent, to smell her scent, make love to her, hold her tight and never let her go. Finally she had capitulated.
    The enemy had held back a bit longer this time. It had prowled about once in a while and then retreated. Jan-Erik had believed that he had finally won. He didn’t notice how it slowly but surely tightened its circles until once again he was surrounded. She began to demand too much, take up far too much room. He felt a greater and greater need to dilute her. Phone calls came when he least expected them. Intimate dinners by candlelight, when she inquisitively dug for secrets and without being invited shared some of her own. Little presents and surprises that compelled his gratitude. There were longer and longer detours to sort out day-to-day trivialities before he was given a chance to demonstrate his prowess in the bedroom. His suspicion grew; he saw clearly how she was trying to wriggle her way farther and farther in to make herself indispensable. And then it was all over. As always, the mystery was transformed into knowledge, and everything exciting became routine. Her secret underwear, which had occupied his fantasies for entire days, suddenly hung on the clothesline under fluorescent light when he shaved in the morning. Her beauty that had cap tivated him was organised in small labelled jars and bottles in the bathroom cabinet. Her thoughts that filled him with such wonder turned out to be just as ordinary as everyone else’s. A woman was like a distant city in the night. From far off the lights glittered like magical jewels, tempting and enticing with all their promises and possibilities. But close up the city looked like all the others. Full of buildings thatneeded renovation and with rubbish along the kerbs. It was not companionship he sought; that gave him no relief. What he wanted was glowing passion and uninhibited sex, and he was furious with her because she had duped him. His love had once again turned out to be a disappointment. Like a cocaine buzz. He had been high for a while, and then irrevocably plummeted even further into restlessness.
    He had planned to break off the whole thing without explaining why. Just go out for cigarettes and never come back. That same evening she asked him to sit down on the sofa, took his hand, and with a happy smile told him they were going to have a baby.
       
    He woke up before the alarm clock rang. Quietly he went over to Louise’s side and turned it off before he went to wake his daughter. He wanted so much to have a moment alone with her, have a chance to ask her forgiveness for missing the play.
    ‘Ellen?’
    She stirred a bit.
    ‘Ellen, it’s time to get up.’ He put his hand on her head and patted her awkwardly. She opened her eyes and looked up at him.
    ‘Hi.’ She sounded truly happy and started to stretch up her arms. He gave her a smile and wanted to say something.
    ‘I’m making a little breakfast. What do you usually have?’
    ‘Just some milk and a piece of bread. With cheese.’
    He intended to apologise now but couldn’t find the words. He stood there for a moment, searching, before he gave up and left the room. Once again he was struck by how hard it was to know how to behave. He loved his daughter, but she also scared him. Her obvious dependence and need of him made him feel anxious. As if he were forced to defend himself. He was incapable of giving her what she wanted from him. He simply didn’t have it in him. She was an ever-present reminder of his inadequacy.
    He made her bread and cheese then fetched the morning paper. When he returned she was sitting at the kitchen table. He sat down opposite her. Now. Now he would apologise.
    ‘How’s school, then?’
    ‘Fine.’ She kept eating.
    ‘Do you have a lot of