Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth by Simon R. Green Read Free Book Online

known my duty."
    The image of Walker raised his bowler hat in our general direction, then snapped off. There was a long moment of silence.
    "We are so screwed," said Suzie.
    I looked at Eddie. "He didn't know you'd be here. You're our wild card in this situation."
    "It's what I do best," said Eddie.
    "Walker, you supercilious son of a bitch!" said Sandra Chance, actually stamping one bare foot in her outrage.
    "I wouldn't argue with that," I said. "Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear we have all been declared redundant. Might I suggest it would be in all our best interests to work together, putting aside old quarrels until we're all safely out of here?"
    "Agreed," said Sandra, two bright red spots burning on her pale cheeks. "But Walker is mine to kill."
    "First things first," I said. "Where is Cathy?"
    "Oh, we put her in the mausoleum right behind us," said Tommy. "Sleeping peacefully. You didn't really think I'd stand for her being buried alive, did you? What kind of a person do you think I am?"
    "I ought to shoot you both right now, on general principles," said Suzie.
    "Later," I said firmly.
    The mausoleum was a huge stone Victorian edifice, with all the usual Gothic trimmings, plus a whole bunch of decidedly portly cherubs in mourning. The Victorians could get really sentimental about death. Tommy heaved open the door, and when I looked in there was Cathy, lying curled up on the bare stone floor like a sleeping child. She was wearing something fashionable, under a thick fur coat someone had wrapped around her like a blanket. She was actually snoring slightly. Tommy edged nervously past me, leaned over Cathy, and muttered a few Words under his breath. Cathy came awake immediately and sat up, yawning and knuckling at her sleepy eyes. I moved forward into the mausoleum, and Cathy jumped up and ran forward into my arms. I held her very tightly.
    "I knew you'd come and find me," she said, into my shoulder.
    "Of course," I said. "How would I ever run my office without you?"
    She finally let go, and I did, too. We went out of the mausoleum and into the night, where Tommy Oblivion and Sandra Chance were standing stiffly a little to one side. Cathy stepped briskly forward, got a good hold on Sandra's breasts with both hands, then head-butted her in the face. Sandra fell backwards onto her bare arse, blood spurting from her broken nose. Tommy opened his mouth, either to object or explain, and Cathy kicked him square in the nuts. He went down on his knees, tears streaming past his squeezed-shut eyes, with both hands wedged between his thighs. Perhaps to reassure himself that his testicles were actually still attached.
    "Messing with the wrong secretary," said Cathy.
    "Nicely done," I said, and Cathy grinned at me.
    "You are a bad influence on the child," Suzie said solemnly.
    Sometime later we all assembled around the earth barrow. Tommy moved around slowly and carefully, packing up the picnic things, while Sandra stood with her back to all of us, sniffing gingerly through the nose she'd reset herself. Suzie glared suspiciously about her, shotgun at the ready. She was convinced Walker wouldn't have abandoned us here unless he knew there was Something in the cemetery strong and nasty enough to see us all off. She had a point. I turned to Razor Eddie.
    "Walker didn't know you'd be here. And I'm reasonably sure he doesn't know about your new ability to cut doors into dimensions with that nasty little blade of yours. Take us home, Eddie, so we can express our extreme displeasure to him in person."
    He nodded slightly, and the pearl-handled straight razor gleamed viciously in the starlight as he cut at the air before him, in a movement so fast none of us could follow it. We all braced ourselves, but nothing happened. Eddie frowned and tried again, still to no effect. He slowly lowered his blade and considered the air before him.
    "Ah," he said finally.
    "Ah?" I said. "What do you mean, ah? Is there something wrong with your razor,