Shatner Rules by William Shatner Read Free Book Online Page A

Sorry . . . to Your
Star Trek
Cast Mates
    Let me make it clear: George, Walter, Nichelle, Bruce Mars (who played Kirk’s nemesis Finnegan in the classic episode “Shore Leave”), I don’t know what I did. I apologize. (And honestly, I don’t know if Bruce Mars had any hard feelings. Just covering my bases.)
    The fact of the matter is, we’re all going to die soon. Honestly. We’re all really old people. Don’t you want to go out with having less enmity than before? This feud is the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.
    I still have hope that we can all be friends, and put everything behind us. I would have loved to have gone to your wedding, George. I had an inscribed copy of my memoir
Up Till Now
ready to give you as a gift. (I took the liberty of picking that gift out myself. For some reason it wasn’t on your registry.)
    Don’t despair, though; you can still buy a signed copy at WilliamShatner.com. You appear on pages 121 and 148 of the hardcover. I say nice things.

CHAPTER 7
RULE: Get the Damn Line Right!
    â€œB eam me up, Scotty.”
    It is one of the most famous catchphrases in popular culture. Perhaps you’ve seen it on a bumper sticker, along with the humorous addendum, “. . . There’s no intelligent life down here.” That’s a rather haughty commentary on the intelligence of others from someone who likes to litter his/her car with bumper stickers.
    (NOTE: This is not to be confused with a more “Rapture-ready” bumper sticker I’ve seen, which reads “Beam me up, Lord!” Ironically, if the Rapture does occur, Jews like myself aren’t supposed to be “beamed up” by God. I can’t believe there is such a flaw in the reasoning of people who are awaiting the Rapture! Either way, like it or not God, I’m getting into Heaven. I can negotiate
anything
!)
    The famed line has appeared on mugs, fridge magnets, and T-shirts, and corrupt Ohio congressman James Traficant would end his House of Representatives floor speeches with the phrase. (Unfortunately, no one beamed him up before he was sent away to federal prison for a few years.)
    â€œBeam me up, Scotty” has been used as a lyric in dozens of popular songs by such artists as Kid Rock, Jimmy Buffett, Erykah Badu, Nicki Minaj, and R. Kelly. It’s been used in too many television shows to count:
Family Guy, Stargate SG-1, Bones, Heroes, Gilmore Girls, Friends, Futurama,
and
Robot Chicken.
In an episode of
South Park
, the Latin version of the phrase was used:
“Me transmitte sursum Caledonii.”
And honestly, if the Catholic Church would update their masses with Latin phrases such as these, they might see a spike in attendance.
    James Doohan used
Beam Me Up, Scotty
as the title of his autobiography. I imagine the working title of that book was
Things I Hate about Shatner, Vol.
1.
    Yes, people around the world all know the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty.” What many people
don’t
know is that it was never used in the television show
Star Trek
.
    Like “Play it again, Sam,” “Elementary, my dear Watson,” and “Luke, I am your father” (whatever
that
means), “Beam me up, Scotty” is one of pop culture’s most famous misquotations. We said, “Scotty, beam us up,” we said, “Scotty, beam me up,” we said, “Beam them out of there, Mr. Scott,” we said, “Scotty, beam up Kirk, unless you are concerned that the process of beaming will give him a close-up.” (Okay, that one is a lie, but it would make a funny T-shirt.)
RULE: William Shatner Likes It When You Send Him T-Shirts You’ve Made (HINT)
    None of this has stopped people from using the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty.” And it has not stopped people from shouting it at me over the last forty-odd years.
    Ever since the early 1970s, when the show grew exponentially in popularity through syndication, part of