Shatner Rules by William Shatner Read Free Book Online

Constructing a William Shatner piñata for the reception?
    Well, needless to say, the only invitation I got from George was an invitation to a knock-down, drag-out fight in the tabloids. He later flip-flopped and said that I
had
been invited, but that I failed to RSVP.
    What can you do when confronted with such bizarre behavior? I just shrugged and said, “Oh my!” (There, George, I stole
that
from you. Happy?)
RULE: Always Invite Shatner to Your Wedding. He’ll Be Able to Negotiate “Love, Honor, and Obey” Down to “Like, Generally Respect, and Sure Thing, Whatevs!”
    George managed to generate a great deal of publicity for his marriage, and the wedding party looked like the speaker’s schedule at a Star Trek convention. Walter Koenig, Ensign Pavel Chekov, was George’s best man, while Lieutenant Uhura, Nichelle Nichols, was maid of honor. I can only assume that Yarnek, the rock creature, performed the ceremony and the Green Slave Girl from Orion was the ring bearer.
    These three actors have been engaged in a long-running plural marriage, tied together in blessed bonds of acrimony. Toward me. The wedding party featured a triumvirate of people who hate me. All sharing George’s special day.

    FUN FACTNER: If the Sulu from the animated Star Trek cartoon had gotten married, he would never have invited Chekov to his wedding because Chekov wasn’t even in the cartoon! (Seriously, George! Walter and not me?! Come on!)
    I had questions for these three. And like most people who have questions, I have a national television show on which to ask them.
    I asked George to be a guest on my program
Raw Nerve
, which is about to return for its third season on the Biography Channel. In fact, all the episodes are available on iTunes for $1.99 each. Why don’t we take a break in our narrative so that you, dear reader, can go and catch up on this edgy and offbeat celebrity interview series? Go ahead. I’ll wait here.

    FUN FACTNER:
The
Baltimore Sun
said that
Raw Nerve
was “the most intriguing conversation you will find on the tube.” That’s a not a fact really . . . just my shiny ego talking again. But really, you should check out
Raw Nerve
.
    George would have been terrific on
Raw Nerve
, but he did not seem to think so. He thought he was going to be sandbagged or something, and refused to appear on my show and talk it out. Since he is a regular on
The
Howard Stern Show
, I even sweetened the deal by saying we could conduct the interview in the Stern studio—presumably while surrounded by lesbians and little people in bondage gear. Nothing.
    So I did the next best thing and asked Walter onto the show. And I promised we would both have the same exact number of close-ups throughout the interview. He agreed, and we sat down.
RULE: Keep Your Friends Close, and Your Enemies across from You on Your Talk Show
    I got right to the subject of the wedding. I asked him, “Do you know George that well?”
    â€œNo,” he replied.
    No?
    Ideally your best man is your most trusted companion in the whole world. He is the man who holds the rings, ushers the guests, and makes the toast. The best man should be the best friend!
    I continued, incredulous. “You were his best man. How did that work?”
    He looked at me, and paused. I then asked one of the toughest questions I have ever asked on
Raw Nerve
.
    â€œWalter . . . what the fuck?”

    FUN FACTNER: “Walter . . . what the fuck?” is William Shatner’s “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
    He said, “Yeah, you’re right. ‘What the fuck?’ I think he used me.”
    Walter was used. George added “special guests” to his wedding party, not “friends.” It was a branding opportunity. And, like usual, I got branded CLOSE-UP STEALER right in the middle of my forehead.
RULE: Love Means Always Having to Say You’re