Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, Lisa M. Ross Read Free Book Online

psychiatrist put it, his treatment work would then “stick” in a way that it had not previously.
    The work we were doing was not so much healing work as preparatory work. A simplification regime can create space in a family’s habit life and intentions, a vessel for change to occur. That change or growth can take various forms. It can be the result of therapies that are now “sticking,” or more easily absorbed and acted upon, or the natural resultof childhood growth and development, unchecked by adult levels of stress, stuff, and speed. Simplification protects the environment for childhood’s slow, essential unfolding of self. In either case, the transformations we were seeing were remarkable.
    You needn’t be a therapist to realize that most kids are quirky, aren’t they? Most any parent will give you a quick nod of agreement on that score. I feel sorry for my own dear children, actually, because they say that a therapist’s offspring are the quirkiest of all! The truth is we all have our quirks, our personalities and idiosyncrasies. We tend to be more tolerant of them in adults, perhaps because we think of adults as “fully formed” and children as “under construction” and thus more malleable.

    Why simplify? Over the years, as I’ve come to see how a child’s quirks or tendencies can be exacerbated by cumulative stress, I’ve seen how children can slide along on the spectrum from quirk to disorder when they experience high levels of stress. If I had a big chalkboard, I would write it as this formula: q + s = d; or: quirk plus stress equals disorder. This is especially worrisome in a society that is often quick to judge, label, and prescribe.
    Imagine that wonderfully wistful child who loves to be in nature. He or she has a disposition for dreaminess. Very creative, like miniature philosophers, they can tell you a story that circumnavigates the globe before you see the possibility of a conclusion. This is the child who is great good company on vacation at the beach, but can be unbearable in the morning as the school bus is scheduled to arrive. If you add cumulative stress to this child’s life, he or she can just slide along the spectrum to ADHD, inattentive type. Their response to stress is to check out; that is their escape route.
    Imagine the child who is, and always has been, a doer. She is the one who is at your right hand as you shop, always eager for a task. Or the boy who will do the vacuuming—doesn’t mind it—and always has some new trick or feat to show you. He or she is active in physical play, and is capable of attracting a whole group of kids—in the neighborhood or onthe playground—to whatever game they are playing. With a consistent pattern of stress this child can slide right into hyperactivity.
    Another child you may recognize is the feisty one. If she thinks a teacher is picking on someone, or even if the biggest kid in school is bullying a friend of hers, this child will stick right up for her friend. She may be sticking up for herself more often than not, but she shows courage. She or he will stand up and be counted. A child like this feels things intensely, and has a strong sense of what is or is not fair. Add stress to his life and watch how quickly the child will be labeled as ODD. (To this day I read that as “odd,” but it actually stands for oppositional defiance disorder.)
    Imagine the child who has a bird egg collection, or a stamp collection. His favorite things—and granted, he has quite a few of them—are all lined up on display. His room seems a bit chaotic to the outside observer, but he knows exactly where everything is. Or she knows where everything goes, and can be quite perturbed if someone “cleans” her room (it is more like archeology than cleaning). She has a wonderful memory for detail in general, and will be the first to say where your car keys are, or the last time you wore that particular outfit. With stress this child can slide into OCD, or just