Sins of the Mother by Irene Kelly Read Free Book Online Page B

Mammy didn’t like us making a lot of noise – she said it drove her mad – so she made us sit on the sofa with our fingers on our lips for hours on end. And if we
accidentally spoke or laughed then we were sent to our room with no supper. We had to be especially quiet when Mammy had one of her ‘soldier friends’ round. There was one soldier friend
in particular who came to visit her a lot and then she would push us all out of the house and lock the door, saying we weren’t allowed back into the house until later that day. I didn’t
mind being locked out all that much – I could spend hours sitting at the side of the river, throwing stones and watching the water speed by. Sitting there, I could get lost in my fantasy
world – the world of my ‘real’ family, my soft, kind mammy and handsome daddy who loved me so much. I knew them so well in my imagination that I could summon them at will,
picturing every detail of how they looked from their smart, colourful clothes to their beautiful, shiny hair. In my daydreams, they would dote on me, bringing me all sorts of delicious treats and
sweets. They would dress me in pretty dresses, hug me lots and tell me how much they loved me all the time. They would say kind things to me, never tease me or call me names. And never ever hit
me.
    During the week we went to school on a bus – me, Frances, Agatha and Peter. The best thing was that we passed by a bakery every morning and they gave us warm, freshly baked crusts of bread
as our breakfast. It made me happy. I liked school – it was a huge place, every room had dozens of children, and I kept up quite well with the lessons.
    When we first moved in to the new house we had all our furniture from the old flat – beds, table, chairs, sofa, drawers – but as the months passed I noticed the
furniture disappearing. When my older sister Frances asked Mammy where the table went one day she told her she had to sell it to buy food. That night I was careful to eat all of my stew because I
knew our old table had paid for it – but I also noticed that Mammy had a couple more bottles of vodka than she had the day before.
    We never had new clothes. I always wore my sisters’ hand-me-downs, but they were so well worn that by the time they reached me they were completely threadbare. Kindly neighbours sometimes
left bags of old clothes outside our door and we’d fall on these offerings, rooting around for something decent to wear. But often they were too big for my skinny frame or had been washed so
many times they were falling apart. I adored my patent black shoes so much but soon they too were falling off me and eventually I had to tie elastic bands round them to keep the soles on.
    One night we were sat around the fire when Mammy suddenly ordered us to shut up and listen because she had something important to say.
    ‘Come here, you lot!’ she slurred. She’d already drunk a couple of bottles of Guinness that night and her head bobbed unsteadily as she waved her arms at us to come closer.
‘Come to your mammy now and watch – I’m going to take an overdose.’
    ‘No, Mammy!’ Frances cried. Martin and I just looked at each other, a little concerned but mostly confused.
What is happening?
    ‘Please don’t, Mammy!’ Agatha was in tears.
    I didn’t quite understand what she meant but I didn’t want to upset my mammy so I just sat quietly. Carefully, Mammy opened all of the bottles of pills she’d been given by the
doctor then emptied the contents onto the table. There must have been twenty or thirty tablets there – some were just plain white but others were little coloured capsules with tiny beads
inside.
    I didn’t know what they were but Mammy always said they were for her nerves.
    Now she rolled her fingers over them, almost lovingly, spreading them out on the table. She seemed to be deciding which ones she wanted to take as we sat there in complete silence, watching her.
None of us dared to stop her as