Sleep Talkin' Man by Karen Slavick-Lennard Read Free Book Online

every time you hit a bridge doesn’t work!

    Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else.
    Mmmm, I do like your shampoo.
Smells like llama spit. Is it llama spit?
Smells like llama spit.
    Listen up, people.
Sasquatch has been in my sock drawer again, and now he’s somewhere lose in the bathroom.
So I’m setting up a six-foot perimeter fence, and someone bring me my clippers.
He’s mine this time.
    Hey, I know you, but I don’t like your face.
Take it off … That’s much better, much better.
    You can’t do that to a jellyfish. I’m calling the authorities. You dirty jelly molester.
    I’m just a chubby ninja.
Able to move between skinny people.
    Tiptoeing elephant. No one can see me.
And then I attack! With ice cream and jelly, with chocolate sprinkles on top.
Mmmmm.
    How do blind people know they ’ re done wiping? How?
    I’ve got to get me two or more of those little fellas if I’m going to be able to make goblin soup. Mmm-hmm. It’s so true.
    If that shark thinks it’s coming to bed for a cuddle, it’s got another think coming.
God, it’s all me me me with that fucker.
    Drilling … drilling … keep on drilling … drill … Oops! Fuck me.
    Now this little piggy went to market.
And this little piggy had roast beef.
No, this little piggy had none.
Because this little piggy was vegan.
He doesn ’ t eat roast beef. He ’ s weak.
He ’ s easy catching.
    Has everybody got their gerbils? Alright?
Good. Okay, commence shaving!
    What the fuck ’ s wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you ’ re smiling, warn me.
    As incredible as me.
As spectacular as me.
As awesome as me.
Oh, the similes are just so limiting. Really.
    Oh, this is a one-man job. A very big man with six arms and enough ears for each one of your fucking suggestions.
    Where’d you put the pelican food? Where’d you put the pelican food?! They’re gonna be really cross if we don’t get the pelican food. Shit. I found the toys for the toucans, but I need the pelican food. If you don’t find their food, I’ll find a reason to punch you in the face. I’m not going out there without the pelican food. Fuck it, you can go out there.
You explain it to them. They’re all beaky and flappy. Once they get excited, they just cause a mess. There’s no reasoning with them, either. Nope. Unreasonable beaky twats. Big mouth fuckers. Find their food!
    We should stand up for the downtrodden and ugly. Let them taste freedom for a moment … and then nuke the cunts.
    I can see your future.
And—oh. You just had the best bit.
    Talk once more, and I will sue you for ear abuse. Shame on you.
Shame! Auraphile.
    The noodles are coming!
Stand by your chopsticks.
Steady the miso … Steady …
Don’t do anything until you see the whites of their strands.
    It’ll suck to be a moose.
You just can’t play Pong.
    I’m sorry,
I can’t come to the phone right now.
But if you’re not my mother, you can leave a message. Beeeep.
    You didn ’ t leave me any ice cream.
Why didn ’ t you leave me any ice cream? You shit-head mother fuckers, you never give me any ice cream. Well happy fucking birthday. You ’ re fucks, the lot of you.
    I only wanted some ice cream. With chocolate sauce. And Oreo. And marshmallow. And some chocolate sprinkles. Yeah, that ’ s all I wanted. AND A SPARKLER.
Couldn ’ t even do that for me.
I hate you all.
FUCK BAGS!
    Damn those tortoises.
They outnumber us fifty to one, and we’re not allowed to carry stun guns! Oh!
    Milkshake time! Everyone grab your cow!
    BLECH!
You can’t give me that cottage cheese shit. It’s like albino diarrhea.
    No puppy! Bad puppy!
Make you into puppy slippers.
    One of the fun unexpected side effects of STM going public is that we’ve heard from and met some of the most extreme sleep talkers and