So Sad Today by Melissa Broder Read Free Book Online Page A

place to meet me, but it wasn’t the impossible, which was what I needed. I wanted to see what was possible. I wanted to see if the impossible could somehow bepossible. But when I asked for the impossible, the DNA dissolved. He became twenty-five again and I became—old. I became a woman again and he became a man again. I became the pursuer and he became the pursued, which for me was the worst of all.
    Me: i feel… swept away by you… for a long time I have felt so hopeless… i don’t know. a dark cloud.
    Me: when i am with you I feel an extraordinary sense of hope. that’s how i can best describe it. hope. like i have been in the dark for a long time and did not realize it until the light came on. but
    Me: I guess what I am saying is that being with you has shown me there is something more beautiful than I could have imagined out there and I want the adventure of mad love and sexuality
    Me: if i lived in new york wld u “date me”? :)
    Him: Yeah I think so
    Him: Yeah. Would I come see u and make love to you and talk about life and go to movies and museums and cool restaurants? Yeah
    Him: But be careful in working me into your plans, bc I have no idea what lies for us outside the bounds of what we have now. Like, I don’t know. But if more of what we’ve been doing is enough for you, I can give that to you & it’s really good for me, too. I think that’s what you’re saying
    I sat with this for a moment. I pretended that what he was saying was not what he was saying or that what he was saying was okay with me. I wanted it to be okay. I wanted to be cool.
    Me: of course. i know from what you have said to me that you tend to chafe under the strain of a relationship… is what we have “real”? what is “real”? i don’t know. what makes what we have beautiful is that it is, in a lot of ways, not of this world. i can feel your flesh but much else about it is imaginary.
    Him: OK good, I wanted to say that. But what we have is real. I want to be for you what you are for me: a deep influx of love and energy, from the beyond place, absorbed above us, untouched by the earth. And it will help us live our worldly lives
    Him: I want to give you joy and love from this place so you can use it where you need it. It’s more powerful to use energy in a different realm from where you got it, like how pokemon level up way faster when they’re traded jk
    I was able to sit with the Pokémon. And then, a few days later, I could no longer sit with the Pokémon.
    Me: hiii. so, i have been doing some thinking and some talking here in LA and have decided togive… monogamy a try. with my husband. but this means an end for you and me in a sexual/sextual context. i am deeply sad as i write this. we did so good. good love. another lifetime? :)
    Him: Okay. :) Obv bummed but way more important you do what’s good in the long sense. Would be cool to reconnect on a literary basis in a while, but good to give it space
    Me: who knows what is good? i am doing my best. i fell hard for you. you’re that good. i wld have chosen you. and i wld have wanted you to be mine. but you belong to the world and the stars. i don’t really know how to do things half-measures. i am sorry to do this over text. know that i’m crying at starbucks.
    Me: and yes. space then literary/friendship even, sounds good.
    Him: I’m wrenched. I’m not sure I can do things full measure, and for that I don’t want sympathy, but I think you understand. I wish you all luck.
    Me: Love to you. Goodbye for now
    Him: Love to you. Goodbye.
    We did try reconnecting a few months later, as friends. That lasted for about a month. I did a good job of pretending to be a wingman-type bro, all casual and chill. But inside I was suffering. I didn’t want to just befriends. We would text about books, therapy, SSRIs, taking a shit at Walmart, but inside I was only wondering,
Does he still feel ____________?
I guess he was too. Things devolved quickly into sexts about the Roman