Sprout Mask Replica by Robert Rankin Read Free Book Online Page B

foreseen but
failed to mention, might mount the pavement and flatten Mr Lemon for good and
all.
    ‘That
Felix is becoming utterly unbearable,’ Norman told his small wife, who sadly
(for had Felix chosen to mention it, the accident need never have happened),
would later trip upon the torn piece of limo in the hall and break her leg.
    ‘Never
mind, Norman,’ said the ill-fated Mrs Crombie. ‘We both know that when it comes
to having ideas stolen by ungrateful ne’er-do-wells, you are top of the list.’
    Norman
nodded thoughtfully at this ambiguous statement. ‘I think she knows what I’m on
about,’ he said.
    Norman’s
wife went out to the kitchen, tripped on a piece of torn limo in the hall and
broke her leg.
     
    On Saturday morning Felix
took his pin-striped suit to The Blue Bird Cleaners. This was not a company
that specialized in avian hygiene, but an early form of dry-cleaners. At that
time a wet—cleaners.
    Felix
placed his suit upon the counter. Had he remembered to mention it, he would
have told the cleaner not to over-iron the trousers. But he did not and the
suit would later return with a ventilated rear end.
    ‘Anything
in the pockets, guy?’ asked the careful cleaner, recalling how Felix always
remembered afterwards that he’d left a five-pound note in his pocket, caused a
stink and got his dry-cleaning done for nothing. [11]
    A
thorough search turned up a brown, windowed envelope. ‘Oh and oh,’ said Felix.
And then regaining his composure. ‘I will take this envelope with me, rather
than leave it here, thank you.’
    The
cleaner nodded politely, gave Felix a little blue slip (with a bird logo on
it), and went off to perform his heinous work on Felix’s doomed trousers.
    Felix
took the envelope and himself off to a secluded bench in Walpole Park. Here he
opened the envelope at arm’s length.
    The
words MINISTRY OF SERENDIPITY caught his eye. ‘Aha,’ said Felix, as he read
through the text, ‘exactly as I would have predicted. I wonder what serendipity means,’ he wondered.
    The
missive was short to the point of abruptness.
     
    As you will know (it ran),
    Your name has been put before us
    regarding your special gift. Please report
    at once to the address below:
    Department 23
    Ministry of Serendipity
    Mornington Crescent
    (take train from South Ealing Station)
     
    Felix
scratched at his head, which now had the dandruff he’d been expecting, and rose
to the dizzying height of five feet eight and a half. He opened his mouth to
speak, but as there was no-one present to listen, he closed it again. And he
took himself off to the station.
    Felix
stood shuffling his feet for quite some time before he could buck up enough
courage to purchase the ticket. Some inner something advised caution, but just
what this was Felix couldn’t quite say.
    ‘A
return to Mornington Crescent,’ he said at last.
    The
ticket office clerk eyed Felix up and down. ‘Are you quite sure about that?’ he
asked.
    ‘Quite,’
said Felix.
    ‘Five
pounds,’ said the ticket office clerk.
    ‘Five
pounds?’ Felix took a step backwards. ‘But I can
get a Red Rover that will take me anywhere in London, train and bus, for
five shillings.’
    ‘That’s
nothing,’ said the ticket office clerk. ‘In communist Russia you can ride on
any train for nothing. You could get on the Trans-Siberian Express at, say, Grymsk,
which is in the province of Scrovenia, and travel more than one thousand miles
across the Russian steppes to Kroskow in Morovia, which is near to the Black
Sea and it wouldn’t cost you a penny, or in their case a rouble.’
    ‘Is
that really true?’ Felix asked.
    ‘No,’
said the ticket office clerk, ‘I made it all up.’
    ‘Why?’
Felix asked.
    The
ticket office clerk shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I suppose I’m a bit of an
anarchist really. You know how it is, square peg in a round hole, free spirit
trapped in a ticket office. I’m thinking of chucking it all in and taking the
hippie trail to