Ten Sigmas & Other Unlikelihoods by Paul Melko Read Free Book Online Page B

“Or something.”
    “Likewise.”
    “Yeah.”
    As they were dragging her away, she turned and said, “You know, Mighty. You ever think you weren’t really cracked up to be a superhero?”
    “Huh?”
    “I know it sounds like a supervillain mind game,” she said. “But maybe you need another career.”
    “I —”
    “Thanks for the fuck!”
    “I —”
    “Thanks for not calling me frigid!” They dragged her around a corner.
    Doctor Killdozer looked him up and down. “Perhaps you should join our superhero support group. Fraternizing is not a life-affirming action.”
    *
    Doctor Mighty started attending Guild meetings again. He was glad he’d spent time talking with Auntie Arctic. He was even glad they’d spent the night together, though he hoped it didn’t get out. There were bylaws that covered that. But talking with her had made him realize he spent too much time in the abandoned hospital. He made an effort to get out.
    Guild meetings were weekly affairs at the Hall of Beer and Pretzels, more social than political. Sometimes they had seminars on the latest villain trickery or discussed some new tactics on making sure bystanders survived superbattles. Their Guild post had the smallest bystander death rate of any in the Midwest, just 713 so far that year. At the meetings, usually the heroes broke up into groups, along age lines, and bragged about their latest battles. For the geriatric superheroes, meeting night was a chance to get out of the old folks lair and talk about battles of yore.
    “Once that Kneehigh Nazi had me tied between four circus elephants, one on each arm and leg —” the Bomber was saying as Curt walked in.
    “That’s nothing. Evil Foo Ling Duck once hypnotized my sidekick to try to kill me with a poodle while I slept!”
    Doctor Mighty walked past the geriatrics and tried to find Steve the Intern, but he didn’t see his former sidekick anywhere. To hide his awkwardness, he ordered a Mxyzptlk at the bar.
    He couldn’t help but feel that the other heroes were looking askance at him, but he never caught anyone whispering, or laughing, or even looking, except for the Human Frog who looked everywhere all the time anyway.
    He hoped it wasn’t because he’d slept with Auntie Arctic. He knew that was against the bylaws, but he didn’t think anyone had found out. Would she blab? he wondered. Was she one to screw and tell? What would a supervillain do? He’d always thought they were predictable, but now that he had a relationship with one . . . Was it a relationship? No, it couldn’t be.
    Gaseous Jorge had married his sidekick Flatulent Flo and the Guild had snubbed them; the two had had to relocate. What would the Guild do if they knew about what he’d done? Jorge and Flo had been on the same side.
    It was enough to make him reconsider visiting Ms. Arctic at the Institute. He decided he’d better cancel the flower order too.
    “Back in the saddle, huh?” asked the Yippee Ka Yay Kid, from the stool two down from his. He twirled his lasso, whipped it around, and caught his beer.
    “What do you mean?” Doctor Mighty said, searching for sexual innuendo in the greeting. He scrutinized the Kid’s face under his wide-brimmed cowboy hat.
    “You know. Back to fighting the bad guys instead of moping in your old mental asylum.”
    “It’s an abandoned hospital, and I wasn’t moping.”
    “So then you’re up for a wrangle with some of the Squid’s Tentaclemen who are roosted over at the docks?”
    Doctor Mighty hated fighting the Tentaclemen. He always ended up with hickies all over his arms and legs. But he would look like more of a moper if he said no.
    “Yeah, I’ll wrangle.”
    *
    They did find a clutch of Tentaclemen, unloading smuggled boxes of counterfeit comic books on a wharf next to a rusted freighter of Albanian origin. The fake books were easily spotted by turning to page twelve where the Gallant Ghost was shown with his utility rope on his left hip instead of his