Terms & Conditions by Robert Glancy Read Free Book Online Page B

circumstances
– my father tied things up tight.
    I’ll admit that, even in my thirties, there’s nothing quite like getting one over my older brother. So I waited until he’d insulted me, and told me I needed more gravitas, and then when Oscar brought up the idea of the IPO again, I casually unfolded the copy of the Will and said, ‘You can’t do it, Oscar. Dad included a strict clause against it. Let it go. It’s all – right there – in black and white.’
    I assumed Oscar’s rotten mouth would flop open and he’d accept defeat. He didn’t; he smiled as if a worthy warrior had appeared in place of his weakling little brother and said, ‘Very good, Frank. This is why you’ll always be a better lawyer than me. And why you may even make partner one day. But for now you’re not a partner and that means you don’t have final say in the IPO decision.’
    â€˜There is no IPO decision,’ I squeaked.
    â€˜We’ll see,’ said Oscar, and walked off smiling.
    I should have been glowing in the afterburn of my victory but instead I was twitchy and uncertain as to exactly what had just happened.

TERMS & CONDITIONS OF DOORS
    They don’t just appear out of thin air.
    After that particularly awful meeting with Oscar, I stood fuming at the photocopier, when I noticed a man walk past, down the corridor, into an office that hadn’t been there before. We sometimes shift internal walls in our open-plan office but I’d never seen a brand-new door just appear with a new office behind it. The door gave nothing about itself away. No company name, no number. Its only distinguishing feature was that it was ever so slightly cleaner and whiter than the other doors. I tried to get in but it was locked. I knocked but no one answered, even though I had just seen this guy go in. Against the boredom of office life that new door became an obsession. After days of watching the shiny door, it opened and I saw the new man appear. I ran after him, striding down the corridor, and was just about to catch him when I froze: there was this new man talking to Oscar as if they were old friends. I realised what was happening, what this was: that this secret door was probably a bunch of lawyers and accountants all scheming to find some loophole around Dad’s Will and get Shaw&Sons listed on the stock exchange. Oscar the snake.
    After the new man left, I went to Oscar and said, ‘Who’s the guy in the new office?’
    â€˜What new office?’ asked Oscar.
    â€˜The one down the corridor.’
    â€˜I didn’t really notice.’
    â€˜It’s right fucking there,’ I turned and pointed. Stabbing my finger in the direction of the mystery door.
    â€˜All right, calm down, Frank.’
    â€˜Is this about the IPO again, because you know you can’t break Dad’s Will?’
    â€˜No, it’s nothing to do with the IPO.’
    â€˜Is it something illegal?’
    â€˜Of course not. I’m a lawyer, for God’s sake. Jesus Christ. I’m on the Ethics Committee. It’s all completely and perfectly legal.’ Oscar smiled as if that was the end of the matter but quickly added, ‘It’s just best you don’t know anything about it.’

From: [email protected]
    To: [email protected]
    Subject: The King and Oscar
    Frank – hi!
    I don’t actually have anything to write but I guess that’s why email was invented.
    On a tiny island in Thailand. The eager-to-please man who rents out the huts is called Fon.
    When it started to rain this morning Fon ran up to my hut through the downpour and forked lightning, soaked to the skin, and said to me with great shame, ‘Um, I’m so sorry for this weather, sometime it rain on Ko Chang.’
    He spoke as if he was responsible for the entire weather system.
    Poor Fon.
    Love and lightning,
    Malc
    PS The bestselling book in Thailand right now is
The King