The Armchair Bride by Mo Fanning Read Free Book Online

wake. I can’t move. It’s as if I’m nailed to the spot. Andy gives a tiny shove in the small of my back and I stumble. Audrey stops and turns to look me up and down, as if  seeing me for the first time.
    ‘You’re soaked,’ she says. ‘Hand me your coats, I’ll put them in the downstairs cloakroom. I presume they’re drip dry.’
    Both Andy and I nod and mutely hand them over.
    ‘We probably should have left them in the car,’ I say and both Andy and Audrey stare at me as if I’m mad. The silence that follows feels as if it lasts forever.
    ‘Perhaps you could pop your shoes in the hallway, it’s back where we came from,’ Audrey says before walking away, our coats held at arms’ length.
    ‘Do you think we should put our shoes back in the car?’ Andy says and I swipe him.
    ‘No, you’re right,’ he says. ‘Outside on the doormat is probably fine.’
    The hall carpet is an impractical light beige and we’ve already left a line of damp footprints.
    ‘Quick, before she sees these,’ I say as her voice booms from the far end of the hall.
    ‘Gin and tonic?’
    She’s wearing a pink apron and holding a bottle of Gordon’s.
    ‘Erm, yes please, just a small one, I’m driving,’ I say.
    ‘Large one for me, because I’m not.’ Andy rubs his hands together. Audrey nods and vanishes back into what must be the kitchen.
    ‘I wish we’d got a cab,’ I say. ‘If I could have a few drinks, I might be able to relax.’
    ‘Bad idea,’ Andy sniffs. ‘Drinking to excess got you into this mess in the first place.’
    Audrey’s head appears again.
    ‘Don’t loiter in the lobby, dears. Go through and take a seat, the living room is first on your left.’
    I sit down on a thick white towel placed so as to protect a cream leather sofa, while Andy warms his hands in front of a roaring open fire. Above, the mantelpiece sits a collection of Toby jugs and Andy picks one up to look at it as Audrey returns with our drinks.
    ‘I see you’ve discovered my weakness,’ she coos. ‘I’ve got 36 of the little buggers now.’
    ‘They’re lovely,’ Andy smiles. His sideways glance tells me he thinks otherwise. ‘Do they have names?’
    ‘Oh yes.’ Audrey warms to her subject. ‘This one is Charlie, right here is Alf and this one is my favourite. I call him Norman.’
    ‘Not Brian?’ Andy picks up Norman and gives him the once over.
    Audrey looks confused.
    ‘Why ever would I call him Brian?’
    ‘Well if he is your favourite…’
    ‘Not getting your point.’
    ‘No, you’re right, he does look more like a Norman.’ Andy holds up the ornament for my approval. I nod and make what I hope is an appropriate sound.
    ‘Hello Lisa,’ he says in a booming voice.
    Audrey squeals and claps her hands in delight. She takes the ugly little misshapen mug from Andy, kisses it and returns it to pride of place on the mantelpiece.
    ‘That’s exactly how I thought he’d sound,’ she says in a little girl voice. ‘You ought to be on the stage.’
    ‘You’re not the first to say that.’
    Andy charms our hostess, while I act like there’s a pole up my bum.
    ‘Does Norman have a wife?’ I say to break the ice.
    Audrey turns to stare and her face changes. She looks like she wants to slap me silly.
    ‘Why would he?’
    ‘I thought it might be company for him.’ My voice trails off.
    ‘My dear, they’re mugs.’ Audrey says simply. ‘They don’t need anyone else.’
    An uncomfortable silence is broken by the sound of someone cursing and a thud from the hall.
    ‘Who left their fucking shoes in the middle of  the hall?’ Brian appears, soaked through and carrying a bottle of wine.
    ‘Oh, hi Lisa,’ he says and when he spots Andy, he holds out a hand. ‘Adam isn’t it?’
    ‘Andy.’
    ‘That’s right. You work Front of House, don’t you?’
    ‘Used to work in the box office.’
    ‘Oh right, you’re married to Felicity?’
    ‘Young free and single.’
    ‘Right. Good. Well that’s all settled