The Bad Mother's Handbook by Kate Long Read Free Book Online Page A

anything about,
you can’t rewind time. Once It’s gone, It’s gone. I should
bloody know.
    No, it wasn’t the fact that he was one step ahead,
though to be honest it’s not nice knowing he’s dipped
his wick elsewhere (thank God I don’t even know this
Jeanette Piper, I think she lives in Standish. He did say
she was a bit of a dog before I slammed out, but that
was probably only to make me feel better). No, it’s what
he said before. About me. My defective body. What if it
turned out to be true?
    ‘OVER THERE, BY THE BAR. I THINK YOU’VE
GOT AN ADMIRER!’ twinkled Gilly as she squeezed
past, a pint glass in each hand.
    I squinted across the room but it was all heads and
bodies and there was a great fat man in front of me. I stepped backwards into a bit of a gap and immediately
trod on someone’s toe.
    ‘Sorry. SORRY.’
    It was Daniel Gale, recently arrived in our sixth form
from somewhere down south and already dismissed as a
boring swot. He swept a hand through his wild hair and
grinned weirdly. What was someone like him doing here,
for God’s sake? He should have been at home chasing
Internet porn.
    ‘ACTUALLY,’ he leaned closer, ‘IT’S A PROSTHETIC.’
    ‘A WHAT?’ I was still trying to see over to the bar.
    ‘GALVANIZED STEEL AND PLATINUM BONDED.
BIONIC. I HAD IT FITTED AFTER A TERRIBLE
FREAK ACCIDENT. YOU COULD DROP A MINI
COOPER ON HERE AND I WOULDN’T FEEL A
THING. IT’S FULLY MAGNETIZED TOO. IF YOU
DROPPED ME IN THE SEA MY TOES WOULD
POINT NORTH.’
    ‘YOU WHAT?’
    His shirt lit up dramatically as the ultraviolet came
on: it made his head look disembodied and wobbly. I
don’t know what my face was doing but I don’t think it
was registering anything very positive. His glasses flashed
reproachfully at me and he opened his mouth, then shut
it again. ‘JOKE,’ he finished sadly and drifted away,
shoulders hunched.
    It was then I spotted him; a tall bloke leaning against
a pillar, watching me. Black jacket slung over his shoulder
like a catalogue model, dark curly hair, thin nose, might
have been all right but it was difficult to tell from a distance. He waved. I looked away. I looked back. He
started to come over, smiling. Bollocks, I thought. Then,
well why the hell not? Teach that bastard Paul, wouldn’t
it?
    It wasn’t till he got really close that I could see the
leather pants.
    Now the only stuff I know about leather pants, not
owning a pair myself, is what I heard some stand-up
cockney comedian say once, that they turned your privates
into a fiery furnace. As he got closer I could see he was
quite nice-looking, but the thought of the turkey-neck
testicle skin and the accordian-wrinkled penis cooking
gently in there persisted and my brow furrowed.
    ‘PENNY FOR THEM,’ he said as he reached me.
    I could hardly say I was thinking about his genitals.
    ‘YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE IN ANOTHER
WORLD. YOU DO. WITH YOUR BIG EYES. LIKE
YOU’RE WAITING TO BE RESCUED. LIKE A
PRINCESS.’ He put his hand on my arm. I didn’t move.
‘SO WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?’
    I couldn’t think of an appropriate reply to this – there
was no way I was going to utter the words ‘Bank Top’ –
so I reached up and glued my lips to his. Out of the
corner of my eye I could see Daniel Gale watching us, so
I shifted round and put my back to him.
    This guy knew how to kiss, that was for sure. No bits
of escaping spit, no feats of ridiculous jaw-stretching or
clashing front teeth, just a nice lazy action. I let myself go
with it and after a while we found ourselves a corner and
settled in for what was left of the night. The leather pants
felt odd under my hands but also safe in a reinforced sort of way. You couldn’t feel anything personal through them,
just the lumps and bumps of folds where they creased. We
had the last dance together, well we stood on the dance
floor and snogged while slowly pivoting, then the lights
came on and we were suddenly