The Bad Mother's Handbook by Kate Long Read Free Book Online

day, though, it was irritating, not
cute.
    ‘What, you mean like actually going out somewhere?
Or talking to each other? That would be a novelty.’ I’d
been in a temper all week, what with the burden of the
Nan revelation and the next History module coming up,
and feeling sort of generally not myself. He’d also
managed to locate the only Valentine card in the universe
which didn’t have the word Love on it.
    ‘All right, there’s no need to take my head off. We’ll go
to t’ pictures if you’re that bothered, bloody hell. I just
meant we could try some new positions, I’ve been reading
up on it.’ He pulled out a magazine from under his bed
and began to flick through. ‘There’s this one where you
get on top but face my feet.’
    ‘Sounds charming, what a view.’
    ‘No, come on, don’t be like that. It’s supposed to mean
you can, er, Control your own Pleasure. Or summat.
I can’t remember exactly. Oh, forget it.’ He flung the
magazine across the room and began feigning interest in a
ragged fingernail. ‘I just thought . . .’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Nothing.’
    ‘It’s this orgasm thing again, isn’t it?’ I reached for my
knickers so I could argue with more dignity. ‘Why do you
keep going on about it? What’s the big deal? It’s not
an issue. But I’m beginning to feel like there’s something
wrong with me.’
    He opened his mouth and the words dropped out.
‘Well, you could nip down the doctors and get yourself
checked over. Check there’s nothing . . . amiss .’
    (‘YOU OK?’ shouted Gilly over the racket. ‘HAVING
A GOOD TIME?’ She was breezing past on her way to the bar, birthday girl, in combats and a little vest, bra
strap showing. She’s one of those people who doesn’t give
a toss. I bet she has loads of orgasms.
    ‘OH, YES. EXCELLENT. NICE ONE.’ I raised my
glass through the smoke and smiled at her and Paul’s
voice said again in my ear, ‘Get yourself checked over.’
Bastard.)
    ‘Bastard!’ I’d shouted at him, before pulling on the
rest of my clothes in a frenzy. ‘I can’t believe what you
just said! What the hell are you suggesting? That I’m abnormal ?’
    He lay there chewing his nail and watched me
struggle with my trousers. I’d got my toe caught in the
hem and was pushing at the stitching, making it rip,
wanting it to rip.
    ‘You want to watch it, you’ll tear ’em.’
    ‘Jesus!’ Some threads gave and my foot shot out. I
staggered against the bed end.
    ‘All I meant was, it’s not been, oh, you know. Like
you hear it’s going to be.’ He looked embarrassed, but
resolute, like he was going to say his piece whatever. He
held out his hand to me in a gesture that might have been
meant to reassure. ‘Did you not think the same though,
really?’
    ‘And could it not be,’ I put my burning face close
to his, ‘and could it not perhaps be that it’s you who’s
getting it wrong? That it’s your amazing technique that’s
failing to deliver?’ I nodded at his flaccid cock which lay
across his thigh innocently. ‘That your mighty equipment
is not quite up to the job ?’
    He pulled the sheets across himself and flushed.
    ‘No,’ he snapped. ‘’T i’nt, actually.’
    ‘Really?’
    ‘No. An’ I’ll tell you why.’
    ‘Go on.’ I sensed what was coming.
    ‘Because. Because Jeanette Piper never had any
trouble, that’s why.’
    So I finished dressing and let myself out. Past next
door’s sad Alsatian, past the bench with no slats left, and
the tyre-marked verges, past the shattered bus shelter
and home to my room where I cried for half an hour.
    It’s true, he never actually said he was a virgin. But
then again, he didn’t say he wasn’t. I should’ve kept
asking, only, what do you do if you don’t hear the answer
you want? ‘Stop, it’s all off, put your underpants back
on; I only sleep with the undefiled!’ I don’t think so. And
it’s not something he could have done