The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde Read Free Book Online

There are people up there who think that spending a quarter of a million pounds on a failed murder conviction for three pigs is not value for money—especially when there is zero chance of getting it into Amazing Crime Stories .”
    “I didn’t think justice was meant to have a price tag, sir.”
    “Clearly. But it’s a public-perception thing, Spratt. Piglets are cute; wolves aren’t. You might as well try and charge the farmer’s wife with cruelty when she cut off the mice’s tails with a carving knife.”
    “I did.”
    “And?”
    “Insufficient evidence.”
    “A good thing I never heard of it. So what you’re going to do here is clean up Humpty’s tumble with the minimum of fuss and bother. I want it neat, quick and cheap—and without hassling any more anthropomorphized animals.”
    “Including pigs?”
    “ Especially pigs. You so much as look at a bacon roll and I’ll have you suspended.”
    “Is there a third point?”
    “The annual budgetary review is next week, and because of that pig fiasco, the NCD’s future is on the agenda. Stir up any more trouble and you could find yourself managing traffic volume on the M4.”
    “I preferred it when there were only two points.”
    “Listen, Jack,” went on Briggs, “you’re a good officer, if a little overenthusiastic at times, and the Nursery Crime Division is necessary, despite everyone’s apparent indifference. The bottom line is that I want this ex-egg mopped up neat and clean and a report on my desk Wednesday morning. The Sacred Gonga’s new visitors’ center is being dedicated by the Jellyman on Saturday, and I need all the hands I can get for security—and that includes your little mob hiding down there at the NCD.”
    “You want me to head up Jellyman security, sir?” asked Jack with a gleam in his eye. He liked the idea of being near the great man; guaranteeing his safety was even better.
    “No, we need someone of unimpeachable character, skill and initiative for that; Chymes is already drawing up security plans. I want you to ensure the safety of the Sacred Gonga itself. Anti-Splotvian protesters might try to disrupt the dedication ceremony. Protect it with your life and the lives of your department. Solomon Grundy paid forty million to keep it in the country, and we wouldn’t want to upset him. You should go and look over the visitors’ center; there’ll be a Jellyman security briefing on Thursday at 1500 hours.”
    “Sir, I—”
    “I would consider taking the assignment with all enthusiasm, Jack,” observed Briggs. “After that three-pigs debacle, you’ll need as many friends as you can get.”
    “Is this where I say thank you?”
    “You do.” Briggs beckoned the policewoman over. “Jack, I want you to meet Detective Sergeant Mary.”
    “Hello,” said Jack.
    “ Mary Mary,” said Mary Mary.
    “Hello, hello ?”
    “Don’t play the fool, Spratt,” cut in Briggs.
    “It’s Mary Mary,” explained Mary. “That’s my name.”
    “Mary Mary? Where are you from? Baden-Baden?”
    “First time I heard that one, sir—today.”
    Jack sighed. He smiled mechanically, she smiled mechanically, and they shook hands.
    “Pleased to meet you, sir,” she said.
    “And you,” replied Jack. “Who are you working with?”
    She looked across at Briggs rather pointedly.
    “Mary is your new detective sergeant,” said Briggs. “Transferred with an A-one record from Basingstoke. She’ll be with you on this case and any others that spring up.”
    Jack sighed. “No offense to DS Mary, sir, but I was hoping you could promote Ashley, Baker, or—”
    “Not possible, Jack,” said Briggs in the tone of voice that made arguing useless. He looked up at the ominous sky. “Well, I’m off. I’ll leave you here with Mary so you can get acquainted. Remember: I need that report as soon as possible. Got it?”
    Jack did indeed get it, and Briggs departed.
    Jack shivered in the cold and looked at her again. “Mary Mary, eh?”
    “Yes,